


Batfamily Groupchat

by Batfamily2001



Series: Groupchats of the DC Universe [1]
Category: Batgirl (Comics), Batman (Comics), Batman and Robin (Comics), Birds of Prey (Comic), Deadpool - All Media Types, Nightwing (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Robin (Comics), Robin (Comics)
Genre: Batfamily Texting, F/M, Funny, Gen, Humor, Superheroes, Texting, batfamily, groupchat
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-25
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2018-09-26 21:59:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 46
Words: 20,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9923879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Batfamily2001/pseuds/Batfamily2001
Summary: Dick decides to make a groupchat to keep the Batfamily in contact when they aren't fighting crime. Rated T because of Jason's lack of a filter.





	1. Why Did You Start This?

Dick: Hey guys.

Damian: What the hell is this Grayson?

Dick: It’s a group chat, so we can all stay connected when we aren’t fighting crime. :)

Damian: That’s the dumbest idea ever.

Stephanie: I think it sounds fun!

Damian: Noone asked you fatgirl.

Jason: I agree with the replacement’s replacement

Damian: I changed my mind.

Dick: Ahhhhhhh, really?

Damian: Only so I am opposing Todd.

Jason: Fuck you!

Alfred: Master Jason watch your mouth.

Jason: You added Al to this?

Dick: Why wouldn’t I?

Bruce: What is this?

Dick: You run one of the largest tech companies on the globe, and you don’t know what a groupchat is?

Bruce: I know what a groupchat is, I mean why do we have one?

Dick: Did you not read the earlier messages?

Jason: Why would he want to?

Dick: Because he cares about my happiness.

Jason: Honestly wtf is wrong with you?

Damian: Question Grayson and I will cut off your hands so you cannot text!

Dick: Wow Baby bird, I didn’t realize you cared so much.

Damian: I don’t.

Dick: Yes you do.

Damian: I regret switching sides.

Damian has left the groupchat.

Jason: You can do that?

Jason has left the groupchat.

Tim: I take a quick shower, and I come back to this?

Barbara: Dick I’m trying to work can you leave the talking to a minimum?

Dick: But I’m just trying to bond.

Barbara: Damian is sitting next to you on the couch!

Dick: How do you know?

Barbara: How do I know? Because I’m sitting across from you.

Dick: Oh yea, you are.

Alfred added Jason and Damian back into groupchat.

Alfred: I am making lunch soon, what would everyone like?

Barbara: Why are you texting them? We are all in the same room.

Alfred: Because when I asked aloud you were the only one who answered.

Tim: To be fair, I’m not in the same room.

Barbara: You’re not even in the same state as us.

Dick: See that’s why we need this groupchat, so we can talk to Timmy even when he’s not here with us.

Jason: Wtf would I want to know what replacement is doing?

Tim: Why are you still in this chat?

Jason: Well I tried to leave but Al added m back in2 it.  
    Plus I want lunch.

Alfred: What would you like, Master Jason?

Jason: Do what you feel like Al

Alfred: very well. What would the rest of you like?

Dick: I’ll take whatever we have.

Alfred: And Master Damian?

Damian: I would like salmon.

Tim: Leave it to Damian to make lunch difficult.

Bruce: This is why we shouldn’t have a groupchat.


	2. Name Changing

Bruce: Hey guys.

Dick: Bruce I thought you were against the gc.

Bruce: It’s not Bruce, it’s Jason

Dick: Jason? What are you doing with Bruce’s phone?

Bruce has changed his name to The Goddamn Batman

The Goddamn Batman: That.

Jason has changed his name to Red Bucket

Red Bucket: Oh very funny, who hacked my phone? Bruce?

The Goddamn Batman: Why would I hack your phone?

Red Bucket: Because I changed your name

The Goddamn Batman: Not funny! How do I change it back?

Red Bucket: Okay so you didn’t change my name, since you cant even change yours back. Replacement!!!!!!!!

Tim: Yes Jason?

Red Bucket: Did you change my name?

Tim: Why would you think that?

Red Bucket: Because my name is changed and I can’t change it back.

Red Bucket has changed his name to giant asshole

giant asshole: REPLACEMENT!!!!!!!!!

Tim: What do you need giant asshole?

giant asshole: I am going to kill you!

Tim: I’m afraid you can’t.

giant asshole: and why is that?

Tim: Because then Alfred would be angry. And you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.

Alfred: Very true sir. However, changing his name was not polite. I suggest you change it back immediately. And Master Jason, please help Master Bruce change his name back.

Tim: Finnnnnnne

giant asshole has changed his name Jaybird

Jaybird: This isnt what I asked for.

Tim: Well it’s what you’re getting so… 

Jaybird: Bruce click on the settings button in the top corner. Then click on the thing that says name in bold, and type in what you want it to be.

The Goddamn Batman has changed his name to Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist, Martial Artist, World’s Greatest Detective, and Superhero

Jaybird: Really?

Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist, Martial Artist, World’s Greatest Detective, and Superhero: Yep.

Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist, Martial Artist, World’s Greatest Detective, and Superhero has changed his name to Bruce Wayne

Bruce Wayne: Tim!

Barbara: Actually it was me

Bruce Wayne: ??

Barbara: It was annoying me

Bruce Wayne:  Whatever…

Dick: I’m starting to regret starting this groupchat.

Tim: You’re just starting to regret it?

Dick: Yea….

Alfred has changed his name to Agent A

Agent A: I think we should all just talk instead of texting.

Damian: -tt-

Jaybird: Are you fucking kidding? He’s even going to do that over text?

Damian: And you are still going to be annoying over text.

Tim: Don’t call him out on it, he can’t help it. He’s a natural at being an asshole.

Jaybird: So help me god replacement, the next time I see you, I will kill you!

Tim: Jokes on you, I was just standing in front of you.

Jaybird: Shit.

Agent A: I swear, Master Jason, if you swear one more time, I will wash your mouth at with soap.

Jaybird: Sorry Al.

Agent A: It is okay.

Dick has changed his name to Boy Wonder

Boy Wonder: Ok, who changed my name?

Barbara: That would be me?

Boy Wonder: Cool! Thanks!

Jaybird: How can you be so lame?

Boy Wonder: How come you are mean.

Jaybird: Fuck you

Jaybird has left the groupchat

Boy Wonder: At least Damian is still in the chat.

Damian: Only because I had it muted for a while, but now that you mention it...

Damian has left the groupchat

Boy Wonder: I give up.


	3. Another Groupchat?

Jaybird: Hey guys, I’m heading back to Gotham tonight. C u soon.

Boy Wonder: Thanks for letting us know.

Jaybird: Shit! Wrong groupchat.

Boy Wonder: Wait, you have another groupchat?

Jaybird: Maybe…

Boy Wonder: Then y r u so opposed to this one?

Jaybird: Because I see u guys enough as it is, I don’t want to talk to you when I’m not seeing you.

Boy Wonder: I’m deeply offended by this.

Jaybird: U should b

Boy Wonder: I mean who do YOU actually like enough to text?

Damian: Obviously not us.

Jaybird: See he’s catching on.

Damian: You act like you doubt my intelligence. Doubting Grayson’s I understand, but mine?

Boy Wonder: Did you just insult me D?

Jaybird: Ha, you got dissed by a ten year old.

Damian: Just because I said Grayson isn’t bright doesn’t mean I was calling you smart. In fact, you are even stupider than Grayson. I mean, at least Grayson didn’t get himself killed.

Jaybird: ur asking for it!

Damian: You think your pathetic threats frighten me? I was trained to be the heir to the League of Assassins since birth. I could take you on blindfolded. In fact, I think I will, that way I won’t have to look at your ugly face.

Jaybird: I’m gonna kick your ass!

Damian: You’re welcome to try, but seeing as you couldn’t take the Joker, I highly doubt you can take me.

Jaybird: I don’t care wtf Bruce says, I will slit your fucking throat!

Agent A: Master Jason, both extreme violence and swearing in one sentence! You should be ashamed of yourself!

Damian: Ha!

Agent A: And Master Damian, bringing up Master Jason’s death at the hands of the Joker is extremely wrong!

Damian: -tt-

Jaybird: wtf does that even mean?

Damian has left the groupchat

Jaybird: Why do we keep adding him back? He leaves every five seconds.

Boy Wonder: You’ve left more times than him.

Jaybird: That’s not true. Is it Al?

Agent A: Indeed it is, Master Jason.

Jaybird: Well if you guys weren’t so boring, I wouldn’t leave. I haven’t left my other groupchat, not once.

Boy Wonder: Who is in that groupchat?

Jaybird: Imagine you and me standing with all your friends.

Boy Wonder: Okay…

Jaybird: Then imagine you disappear

Boy Wonder: Where are you going with this…

Jaybird: That is the groupchat.

Boy Wonder: WAIT WHAT?!?!?!

Jaybird: Yep. Any person you name, who isn’t in this conversation, who you are friendly with, is in the other group chat.

Boy Wonder: Wally?

Jaybird: Oh yeah. He was the one who started it.

Boy Wonder: What? :(

Jaybird: Yep. :)

Boy Wonder: Nooooooooo, that’s not true, that’s impossible!

Jaybird: Rlly? Quoting Star Wars?

Boy Wonder has added Wallace West to groupchat

Wallace West changed his name to Fastest Man Alive

Fastest Man Alive: I see you finally made time to talk.

Boy Wonder: How come you made a gc and didn’t invite me?

Fastest Man Alive: What are you talking about? You were first person I added once I got in the groupchat!

Boy Wonder: I thought you made the groupchat?

Fastest Man Alive: Noooo, that was Jason. Then he told me you changed your number since we last spoke, something about it being compromised. I added the new number.

Boy Wonder: I haven’t changed my number in over ten years… JASON!

Jaybird: Yes Dickhead?

Boy Wonder: YOU LIED!!!!!

Tim: Does that really surprise you?

Boy Wonder: …. not really.

Tim: Exactly.

Fastest Man Alive: Now that I am no longer needed here, I am leaving this chat. I’ll add your number once I do. Ttyl…

Fastest Man Alive has left the groupchat

Agent A: Lying isn’t very nice Master Jason.

Jaybird: really Al?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed. If you have any suggestions for future installments, let me know. See you guys later.


	4. WHO TOUCHED MY SHIT?!?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the shortest chapter in the series so far, but I think it still did it's job. Hope you guys enjoy.

Jaybird: SOMEONE STOLE MY JACKET!!!

Tim: Why do you think someone stole your jacket?

Jaybird: Because I can’t find it.

Tim: You check Damian’s room?

Jaybird: I tried but as soon as I cracked the door a fucking throwing knife went flying past my head! I swear the kid is insane!

Tim: Like you’re one to talk.

Jaybird: Stfu replacement.

Boy Wonder: Jay be nice to Timmy

Jaybird: Okay mom

Damian: To be fair, I threw the knife because a shady looking man opened my door without knocking.

Jaybird: WHEN DID HE JOIN THE GROUP CHAT AGAIN?

Boy Wonder: Right after you left last time

Jaybird: Whatever, I give up

Tim: Give up with what?

Jaybird: Looking for my jacket, life. Yep I give up on LIFE!

Damian: I didn’t take your stupid jacket!

Jaybird: THEN WHO DID?!?!

Tim: I thought you gave up looking.

Jaybird: I will kill you replacement.

Stephanie: I know who has your jacket

Jaybird: How come you didn’t say anything earlier?

Stephanie: Because u didn’t ask

Jaybird: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING?!?!?!

Stephanie: No :-)

Jaybird: Who has it?

Stephanie: Alfred. He’s cleaning it. Which is also why he isn’t yelling at u for cursing

Jaybird: R U SERIOUS?!?!

Stephanie: yep :-)

Agent A: Master Jason, I have just finished cleaning your jacket, would you like me to leave it outside your room?

Jaybird: Yea, thanks Al.

Agent A: No problem sir.

Jaybird: WHO STOLE MY HELMET?!?!?!

Tim: Why would anyone steal that ugly thing?

Jaybird: I swear replacement, if you stole it I’ll…

Tim: You’ll what?

Jaybird: U know what I’ll do

Tim: Are you threatening me?

Jaybird: Duh

Tim: Now I’m not gonna give it back. If you had asked nicely you would’ve gotten it.

Jaybird: Can I please have my helmet back?

Tim: Since you asked so nicely, it’s on the roof.

Jaybird: You’re kidding

Tim: Nope

Jaybird: You put it on the roof? Whatever.

Tim: Find it?

Jaybird: Yes.

Tim: Good and remember don’t touch my stuff, or this will happen again.

Jaybird: That’s what this is about?

Tim: Yes! I don’t like people messing with my bo staff.

Jaybird: Fine, lesson learned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the story, and don't forget to leave suggestions for future texting conversations in the comments.


	5. Who's The Best Robin?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this conversation pops up all over the internet, ALL the time, so I thought I'd let the characters have the argument. Hope you guys enjoy.

Stephanie: How come Bruce has had so many Robins?

Jaybird: I don’t know, but let’s be honest, he should’ve stopped after me.

Stephanie: Why because you died? I ‘died’ as Robin too, and I got Damian after me!

Jaybird: No I meant because I was clearly the best robin.

Tim: What world do you live in? I’m definitely the best Robin.

Jaybird: I’m like a thousand times better than you replacement.

Tim: NO

Stephanie: It doesn’t matter either way because I was the best Robin.

Jaybird: U wer Robin for like a month.

Tim: And you were fired.

Stephanie: Soooooo

Jaybird: So you’re disqualified

Tim: You were benched, so you should be disqualified

Jaybird: I was benched for being too good

Boy Wonder: No you were benched for sucking at the job. I was clearly the best Robin.

Damian: As if. I’m bred for the job. Therefor, I am the best.

Jaybird: Bullshit!

Damian: -tt- you would think so.

Stephanie: Doesn’t anyone think I’m the best Robin?

Damian: No

Jaybird: Duh

Tim: Sorry

Boy Wonder: Nope

Stephanie: Okay, well at least I hold the title of best Batgirl

Barbara: No. I was

Cass: I was most efficient

Stephanie: Yea, but i have most charisma!

Jaybird: Your charisma, results in puns that r worse than Dick’s from when he was Robin

Boy Wonder: I’ll admit some of those jokes were bad, but some hit

Stephanie: My puns aren’t bad

Tim: They’re pretty bad. And don’t get me started on the puns you made when we first met.

Stephanie: What’s wrong with my Spoiler days?

Tim: “Watch out evil doers, you’re about to be spoiled!”

Jaybird: that joke makes me want to kill myself

Damian: Do it, you’d be doing us all a service

Jaybird: asshole

Damian: Doesn’t make it any less true.

Boy Wonder: Guys stop arguing over Jay killing himself

Tim: Yea we have more important things to argue about, like how I’m the best Robin.

Damian: In what world are you the best Robin? I am, then Grayson, then Drake, then Fatgirl, then Todd.

Jaybird: Fuck U! Why am I rated below someone who only served as Robin for a month?

Damian: Because you’re worse than her. I am basically a younger version of father. I have his intelligence and strength…

Tim: If you want to talk about intelligence, I deduced Bruce’s identity when I was nine!

Boy Wonder: But it doesn’t matter how smart u r if you can’t move around. And i am the most agile out of any of u!

Jaybird: Yeah, but ur the least muscular.

Boy Wonder: I’m muscular, I’m just more lean.

Tim: If we really want to decide who the best Robin and Batgirl is, we should have things that are measured. I say strength, intelligence, agility, and charisma.

Jaybird: I say Barbara wins for Batgirl

Tim: So you’re saying I’m the best Robin?

Jaybird: How’d u make that assumption?

Tim: Because I have the same skill set as Barbara. I’m the most intelligent out of you. I’m not the strongest, but I’m still able to get out of any situation. And I don’t talk as much as Dick, but I still taunt opponents.

Barbara: He does have a point. Though I think Dick is the best Robin

Jaybird: Y, because ur sleeping with him?

Barbara: NO! Because he’s the original.

Tim: Are you saying that Stephanie is the best Batgirl then? Because like Dick, she makes awful puns and can talk herself out of situations?

Boy Wonder: MY PUNS WEREN’T AWFUL!!!

Tim: ‘Weren’t’ implies past tense, you still make them

Stephanie: Our jokes aren’t bad

Tim: You said “you’ve been spoiled” and your name was Spoiler. You don’t hear me or Damian making bird puns.

Damian: Agreed

Tim: And to be completely honest, the competition for best Robin is really between me and Dick.

Barbara: I vote Dick

Stephanie: I say… Tim

Jaybird: Yea, because you are both sleeping with the people u stated

Stephanie: Stfu

Tim: What’s your opinion Cass?

Cass: Each person good at different things.

Jaybird: Yeah but if you had to pick.

Boy Wonder: Like between the four of us.

Stephanie: There are five of us!

Damian: We established you don’t count as a Robin!

Bruce: All of you shut up! I prefer Ace to ALL of you!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed the argument. Let me know who you think is the best Robin and Batgirl in the comments.


	6. You're In Jail?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's awesome to see that you guys enjoy this so much. It's been up for about 24 hours, and it already has the most kudos and bookmarks out of any of my other stories. It just baffles me. It really is amazing, so thank you all so much. Hope you enjoy this chapter.

Jaybird: Does anyone know a good lawyer?

Boy Wonder: Y?

Jaybird: I’m in jail

Boy Wonder: WHAT?!?! WHY?!?! How are you texting?

Jaybird: U see I hid the phone in my…

Boy Wonder: Please don’t finish that thought

Jaybird: But i just…

Boy Wonder: Don’t. So y r u in jail?

Jaybird: So I was driving my car. And I had just gotten the shit kicked out of me.

Tim: The mighty Red Hood losing a fight? 

Jaybird: Shut up replacement. Anyway my head hurt and my vision was blurry. I was also speeding. I got pulled over. The cop made me do the drunk test. I may have also had a little beer to lessen the pain. So now I am in jail for DUI.

Tim: Ha, I always thought you’d wind up in jail.

Damian: I hoped he’d drop dead, but I guess this is the best next thing.

Barbara: I’ll see if I can get my dad to make the charges disappear.

Jaybird: Not in Gotham.

Barbara: Where are you?

Jaybird: Blüdhaven

Boy Wonder: I can probably get the charges dropped

Jaybird: How?

Boy Wonder: I work at the Blüdhaven police station

Jaybird: Wow u really have connections

Boy Wonder: No, I just know how corrupt the city is. I’ll just slip the guy fifty bucks. Be there in ten

Jaybird: Thanks

Damian: Don’t let Todd out! He’s finally where he’s supposed to be. Other than hell that is.

Jaybird: I hate to break it to you kiddo, but I’ve been dead. It was just complete darkness.

Tim: Maybe that was your personal hell.

Jaybird: What r u implying?

Tim: That you fear being alone.

Jaybird: I prefer being alone to being stuck in a room with all of u!

Boy Wonder: I still haven’t let you out.

Jaybird: Except Dick, he’s cool.

Damian: Grayson, I require ice cream, can you go get me some… please

Boy Wonder: Well since this is the first time you said please, how could I say no? I’ll be there in ten

Jaybird: What about me?

Boy Wonder: I can’t let this moment go to waste

Jaybird: So ur just going to leave me here?

Boy Wonder: Not for long.

Damian: Grayson and after we eat the ice cream can we go to the movies. There is a new Batman movie out. I want to laugh at how inaccurate it is.

Boy Wonder: Of course Dami

Jaybird: So I have to wait for another three hours?!?!

Boy Wonder: This is a bonding moment Jay.

Jaybird: What about the bonding u and I could do on the way back from jail?

Boy Wonder: sorry Jay.

Jaybird: I’m going to kill you when I get out brat!

Damian: And maybe Drake  and even Fatgirl can come to the movie with us and after we have a marathon of the previous films.

Jaybird: Are you fucking kidding?

Boy Wonder: I can’t say no to him, he included Timmy and Steph in it.

Jaybird: But what about me?

Boy Wonder: Alfred can get you

Jaybird: Didn’t he leave to go to Japan with Bruce and Cass yesterday?

Boy Wonder: Yea, but the marathon is going to take longer than the flight back takes.

Jaybird: Damian, when I get out, I AM GOING TO SLIT YOUR THROAT!!!!!

Damian: Sorry Todd, I am going to the movies, I have to silence my phone.

Jaybird: FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!

Agent A: Master Jason watch your mouth, especially when talking to your siblings.


	7. Let's Off Luthor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really quick, this is not meant to be political and in my opinion it is not. So don't click out because you see Luthor running for president and assume politics. They aren't involved in this story. Politics are way too serious for this series. Anyway, hope you enjoy.

Jaybird: Did you hear Luthor is running for President again?

Boy Wonder: R u serious?

Jaybird: Yea

Boy Wonder: Y would anyone vote for him? he’s tried to kill Clark like 1 million times, and last time he ran, he tried to rig the election.

Tim: People are stupid. Besides he lies about how he’s reformed

Jaybird: Thats all bullshit tho

Tim: Agreed. Tho he says what the people want to hear.

Jaybird: So ur saying that if Riddler got up on that stage and said the same shit everyone would vote for him?

Tim: Think about it, even before Lex rigged the race last time, he was already in the lead.

Jaybird: I say we take him out

Boy Wonder: R U SERIOUS?

Tim: WTF IS WRONG WITH U

Damian: I’m in Todd. On one condition, you don’t tell father.

Bruce Wayne: You know that I’m in this chat right?

Damian: I have been compromised!

Damian has left the groupchat

Bruce Wayne: Jason, what have I told you about assassinating government officials?

Jaybird: Not to. But technically he isn’t a government official yet

Bruce Wayne: I cannot condone this

Jaybird: Then pretend u never read it.

Bruce Wayne: I can’t I have a photographic memory

Boy Wonder: Besides, Bruce’s imagination sucks. He can’t pretend

Bruce Wayne: I’m not going to have this argument

Jaybird: But say he was to have an accident…

Bruce Wayne: No killing Presidential Candidates

Jaybird: What if I had a talk with him and then he dropped out.

Boy Wonder: That would be amazing, since Lex never backs down.

Jaybird: What if…

Bruce Wayne: Do you want me to come over and take all your weapons away?

Bruce Wayne has been kicked from chat for sexual harassment

Clark Kent has been added to chat

Clark Kent has changed his name to Man of Steel

Jaybird: Hey Clark, u hear Lex is running for President?

Man of Steel: Yea, I can’t believe that people are actually talking about voting for him

Jaybird: For a small fee I can make an accident happen

Man of Steel: Even if I was okay with you killing him, I make a reporter’s salary

Jaybird: U can pay me a nickel for all I care, as long as I am ‘given a reason’ to off him

Man of Steel: You know I can’t stand by and let you kill him. Not as Superman.

Jaybird: Don’t worry if the Justice League asks just say I had kryptonite.

Man of Steel: You know it’s illegal just having this conversation

Jaybird: I’ve learned, from years of experience, that it’s not illegal if you don’t get caught…

Man of Steel: My morals won’t allow me to let you do it…

Jaybird: Will your morals let you forget we had this conversation?

Man of Steel: Are you serious?

Man of Steel has been kicked from chat for bullying

Jaybird: Dick who else do you think would hire me?

Boy of Wonder: Ur seriously trying to find someone to hire you? 

Jaybird: Oh my god!

Boy of Wonder: What?

Jaybird: Ur totally right! I shouldn’t find someone to hire me, I should hire someone!

Boy of Wonder: U have to be joking…

Slade Wilson has been added to chat

Slade Wilson has changed his name to Deathstroke the Terminator

Jaybird: Slade, my man.

Deathstroke the Terminator: What do you want kid?

Jaybird: Just a little question between colleagues…

Deathstroke the Terminator: I wouldn’t call us colleagues

Jaybird: Whatever, anyway, has anyone hired u to take out Lex yet?

Deathstroke the Terminator: No, because Lex has more money than anyone that would hire to kill him. If someone takes out a hit, he buys me out.

Jaybird: How much would it take to put out a hit on him

Deathstroke the Terminator: Hood, even you don’t have that kind of money.

Jaybird: I’m sure I could get it, though I guess I could just resort to using Lawton instead, I mean he is the better shot…

Deathstroke the Terminator: That’s what you’ve resorted to? Mentioning Deadshot and hoping I take the bait? Besides he’s on Luthor’s payroll too.

Jaybird: Whatever…

Deathstroke the Terminator has been kicked from the chat for sending pornographic imagery

Jaybird: I give up

Tim: You know there is an easier solution right?

Jaybird: And what’s that?

Tim: Convincing Babs to rig the election

Jaybird: Sometimes I almost like u, replacement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed the chapter! See you later.


	8. Whatcha Doing With That Girl, Bruce?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by a comment on the story over one FF.net and I thought it worked perfectly. So here it goes! Hope you guys enjoy this chapter.

Jaybird: Hey Bruce! Whatcha doing with that blonde you just brought up to ur room?

Bruce Wayne: I’m busy right now.

Damian: Father, is what Todd said true? Did you bring some whore to your room?

Jaybird: It’s not like its the first time

Bruce Wayne: Guys stop texting in this chat

Damian: Answer my question father, did you bring some whore to your room?

Bruce Wayne: Damian can we talk about this some other time?

Damian: NO! I WANT AN ANSWER NOW!

Bruce Wayne: Don’t make me mute you guys!

Boy Wonder: Damian it’s just part of the act he puts on for the city.

Jaybird: Honestly I’m surprised you’re still able to use your hands Bruce.

Damian: If it’s just an act, then how come Todd just insinuated he is doing something else.

Boy Wonder: Because he’s really convincing?

Damian: FATHER!!!!!!!!!

Bruce Wayne: You know what I give up!

Jaybird: Did he just mute us?

Tim: Well he is kind of busy.

Damian: Drake, give it to me straight, what is father doing.

Tim: Well you see Damian, a man has a…

Damian: I know how children are conceived!

Tim: Then why’d you ask what he’s doing?

Damian: I mean is he actually doing it? Or is he acting?

Jaybird: Well good actors, to get the best performance, actually do it.

Damian: Are you saying he is screwing that harlot?!?!

Jaybird: Well he isn’t making noises all by himself, he does have some help :)

Boy Wonder: Jason, you are going to scar Damian.

Jaybird: He’ll be fine

Tim: He’s acting Damian, Jason is just messing with you.

Damian: Then how come I hear the springs in the bed?

Tim: Because they are having a pillow fight and are bouncing around on the bed

Boy Wonder: Yea, u know how much Bruce loves fighting

Jaybird: No actually you hear the springs in the bed because they are…

Boy Wonder: Jason finish that thought and I will cut out ur tongue

Jaybird: I’m texting

Boy Wonder: And then I’ll cut your thumbs off.

Jaybird: Wow Dick, so violent tonight, maybe u need a nap

Boy Wonder: I DON’T NEED A NAP!!!!

Jaybird: Seems like you need a nap.

Boy Wonder: Shut up

Tim: Both of you chill! Bruce is just acting Damian!

Damian has been kicked from chat for profanity

Jaybird: Now let’s be honest he is so doing that woman. SHE IS SMOKING!!!!!

Boy Wonder: She is really good looking, but that’s besides the point. You can’t tell Damian all that stuff he is twelve

Jaybird: So, he should be proud that his old man is still getting some. Even though that girl was your age Dick.

Tim: No, I think she was a little older than Dick. 

Jaybird: The age is wasn’t what’s important. She could’ve been forty, she is still extremely HOT! How does Bruce do it. He is late thirties, she is mid twenties. They talk for two seconds and then they go straight to sex.

Bruce Wayne: Call it the Wayne charm

Jaybird: U haven’t been reading this the whole time have u?

Bruce Wayne: I have. And I am going to kill you for traumatizing Damian. You get a ten minute head start, but remember, I have my own satellites.

Jaybird: SHIT

Bruce Wayne: And Dick you could probably use a nap

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also for anyone who doesn't understand why people always get kicked from the conversation, it is because Jason is reporting them (Usually for things they didn't do).


	9. Why Are You at The Principal's?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another piece inspired by the same user on FF.net. I hope you guys enjoy reading this chapter, because I had a blast writing it.

Damian: Father, I need you to pick me up from school.

Bruce Wayne: Damian I’m in the middle of a meeting, plus your school doesn’t get out for another hour and a half.

Damian: Yes well, the teachers are all imbecilic idiots, who don’t understand common sense.

Bruce Wayne: You’re in the Principal’s Office aren’t you?

Damian: Yes.

Tim: Shocker, Damian got in trouble.

Damian: Shut up Drake!

Bruce Wayne: Tim aren’t you in class?

Tim: Yeah.

Bruce Wayne: How are you texting me?

Tim: It’s all good, I finished all my work already. Anyway, back to Damian…

Bruce Wayne: Damian, what did you do?

Damian: Father, once you hear my side of the story, you won’t be annoyed.

Tim: Highly doubt that

Damian: -tt- Anyway, a girl passed my a not during class that read, “Do you think I am pretty” with a box that said yes and a box that said no.

Jaybird: Oh my god, please tell me you told her she was ugly to her face!

Damian: Don’t be ridiculous Todd. I told her that prostitution isn’t a good business to get into.

Tim: I just started laughing at that, and everyone in the class just stared.

Jaybird: Demon Spawn, my day was horrible, and then I heard that, and I’m a thousand times happier.

Jaybird: Now the real question is do you think she was pretty?

Damian: What does it matter? I don’t want to get an STD!

Tim: There is something seriously wrong with you

Boy Wonder: Hey Jay, I think Dami has his second crush.

Jaybird: Second?

Boy Wonder: Yeah, everyone knows he had a thing for Steph.

Damian: I do not have a ‘thing’ for Fatgirl!

Boy Wonder: Sure u dont

Jaybird: A little advice kid, you dont get girls by calling them A) fat, or B) a prostitute

Stephanie: It’s not his fault he doesn’t know how to talk to girls

Jaybird: Of course it isn’t

Bruce Wayne: But it is his fault for making me have to leave a meeting. Damian what have I told you in the past about calling people whores or prostitutes?

Jaybird: Yea, u have to be more school appropriate… call them sluts.

Boy Wonder: Jason you shouldn’t be condoning this.

Jaybird: I’m not condoning it, I’m helping the kid out.

Tim: Telling him to call girls sluts isn’t going to help him get girls.

Jaybird: Like u should talk. How many people have you dated.

Tim: Like 5, and they were actual relationships. Not Jason relationships

Jaybird: What’s a ‘Jason relationship’

Tim: This is a Jason relationship “Hey you’re hot, let’s fuck,” and then leaving the next morning before they wake up without getting their name.

Jaybird: I don’t do that… too often

Tim: When was the last serious relationship you had?

Jaybird: …

Tim: Exactly.

Bruce Wayne: Will both of you not argue please? I am trying to talk to Damian’s Principal.

Damian: Ha, they think this is punishment? A week away from this hell hole? These people are stupider than I thought!

Bruce Wayne: You’re punishment will be at home.

Damian: I do not believe I should receive punishment.

Bruce Wayne: Too bad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a sister story up to this chapter if you are interested in reading it. It's called To The Principal's Office.


	10. Hello?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This should go without saying, but I do not own any of the songs featured in this story. This was another suggested one. Hope you guys enjoy!

Boy Wonder: Hey

Boy Wonder: Hello

Boy Wonder: HELLO

Boy Wonder: Hello, it's me  
I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet  
To go over everything  
They say that time's supposed to heal ya  
But I ain't done much healing

Boy Wonder: Hello, can you hear me?  
I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be  
When we were younger and free  
I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet  
There's such a difference between us  
And a million miles

Boy Wonder: Hello from the other side  
I must have called a thousand times  
To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done  
But when I call you never seem to be home

Jaybird: DICK, STFU!!!!!!

Boy Wonder: So you finally answer me!

Jaybird: Are you serious? I’ve been working

Boy Wonder: You don’t have a real job

Jaybird: You wouldn’t call kicking crime’s ass a real job?

Boy Wonder: It’s the middle of the day

Jaybird: Okay so maybe I was watching a movie, but still, it gave me a great idea on how to fight crime.

Boy Wonder: What movie?

Jaybird: The Incredibles

Boy Wonder: Are you actually serious?

Jaybird: You had a stupid song choice

Boy Wonder: Don’t change the subject

Jaybird: I’m not, I’m just saying. Out of the millions of songs you could’ve done. So predictable.

Boy Wonder: Oh I’m sorry what song would you have done?

Jaybird: Welcome to the jungle we've got fun and games  
We got everything you want honey, we know the names  
We are the people that can find whatever you may need  
If you got the money honey we got your disease  
In the jungle, welcome to the jungle  
Watch it bring you to your knnn knne knees, knees  
I want to watch you bleed

Jaybird: Welcome to the jungle we take it day by day  
If you want it you're gonna bleed but it's the price to pay  
And you're a very sexy girl that's very hard to please  
You can taste the bright lights but you won't get there for free  
In the jungle welcome to the jungle  
Feel my, my, my serpentine  
Ooh, I want to hear you scream

Boy Wonder: Guns N’ Roses? Like you could hit those notes

Jaybird: Are you claiming you can hit the high notes in Hello?

Boy Wonder: Pop is better than rock

Jaybird: Rock is way better than pop.

Tim: As much as I hate to say it, I agree with Jason on this one.

Steph: Pop rules! I’m with Dick.

Tim: There is only way to prove rock is better. We do categories. For each category, the team picks a song that fits that category

Steph: like the riff off in Pitch Perfect?

Tim: I guess

Jaybird: First category is song talking about love, you guys first.

Boy Wonder: Beauty queen of only eighteen she  
Had some trouble with herself  
He was always there to help her, she  
Always belonged to someone else  
I drove for miles and miles and wound up  
At your door  
I've had you so many times but somehow I want more

Stephanie: I don't mind spendin' everyday  
Out on your corner in the pourin' rain  
Look for the girl with the broken smile  
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile  
And she will be loved, and she will be loved  
Tap on my window, knock on my door, I  
Want to make you feel beautiful  
I know I tend to get so insecure  
It doesn't matter anymore

Jaybird: Yeah we get it. And again, neither of you can even get close to Adam Levine’s voice.

Boy Wonder: Okay so what’s your song?

Jaybird: She was a fast machine  
She kept her motor clean  
She was the best damn woman I had ever seen  
She had the sightless eyes  
Telling me no lies  
Knockin' me out with those American thighs  
Taking more than her share  
Had me fighting for air  
She told me to come but I was already there  
'Cause the walls start shaking  
The earth was quaking  
My mind was aching  
And we were making it and you  
Shook me all night long  
Yeah you shook me all night long

Tim: Working double time  
On the seduction line  
She was one of a kind, she's just mine all mine  
Wanted no applause  
Just another course  
Made a meal out of me and came back for more  
Had to cool me down  
To take another round  
Now I'm back in the ring to take another swing  
'Cause the walls were shaking  
The earth was quaking  
My mind was aching  
And we were making it and you

Boy Wonder: Yeah we get it, Rock is about sex. What’s next category?

Jason: Upbeat, happy tunes.

Stephanie: It might seem crazy what I'm about to say  
Sunshine she's here, you can take away  
I'm a hot air balloon, I could go to space  
With the air, like I don't care baby by the way  
Because I'm happy  
Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof  
Because I'm happy  
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth  
Because I'm happy  
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you  
Because I'm happy  
Clap along if you feel like that's what you wanna do

Boy Wonder: Here come bad news talking this and that  
Yeah, give me all you got, don't hold back  
Yeah, well I should probably warn you I'll be just fine  
Yeah, no offense to you don't waste your time  
Here's why  
Because I'm happy  
Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof  
Because I'm happy  
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth  
Because I'm happy  
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you  
Because I'm happy  
Clap along if you feel like that's what you wanna do

Jaybird: That song is stupid. Okay now for our choice.

Tim: I get up,  
And nothin' gets me down  
You got it tough,  
I've seen the toughest around  
And I know  
Baby just how you feel  
You've got to roll with the punches to get to what's real  
Oh can't you see me standing here I got my back against the record machine  
I ain't the worst that you've seen (ain't the worst that you've seen)  
Oh can't you see what I mean (can't you see what I mean)

Jaybird: Ah, might as well jump (jump!)  
Might as well jump  
Go ahead and jump (jump!)  
Go ahead and jump  
A-oh, hey you, (who said that?)  
Baby how you been?  
You say you don't you don't know  
You won't know until you begin  
Oh can't you see me standing here I got my back against the record machine  
I ain't the worst that you've seen (ain't the worst that you've seen)  
Oh can't you see what I mean (can't you see what I mean) (yeah)  
Might as well jump (jump!)  
Go ahead and jump  
Might as well jump (jump!)  
Go ahead and jump

Boy Wonder: How is that happy? It’s about a man committing suicide.

Jaybird: Fine

Tim: Once upon a time not so long ago  
Tommy used to work on the docks, union's been on strike  
He's down on his luck, it's tough, so tough  
Gina works the diner all day working for her man  
She brings home her pay, for love, for love  
She says, we've got to hold on to what we've got  
It doesn't make a difference if we make it or not  
We've got each other and that's a lot for love  
We'll give it a shot  
Woah, we're half way there  
Woah, livin' on a prayer  
Take my hand, we'll make it I swear  
Woah, livin' on a prayer

Jaybird: Tommy's got his six-string in hock  
Now he's holding in what he used to make it talk  
So tough, it's tough  
Gina dreams of running away  
When she cries in the night, Tommy whispers  
Baby, it's okay, someday  
We've got to hold on to what we've got  
It doesn't make a difference if we make it or not  
We've got each other and that's a lot for love  
We'll give it a shot  
Woah, we're half way there  
Woah, livin' on a prayer  
Take my hand, we'll make it I swear  
Woah, livin' on a prayer  
Livin' on a prayer

Tim: That better?

Boy Wonder: Yeah, but neither of you could hit most of the notes in either of those songs.

Jaybird: Yeah, whatever.

Boy Wonder: I say we call it a tie, cause I’m getting tired of getting these lyrics

Jaybird: Fine for now.

Agent A: Actually it doesn’t have to be a tie, because I know the best type of music. Classical.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in order of appearance are Hello by Adele, Welcome to the Jungle by Guns N' Roses, She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5, You Shook Me All Night Long by AC/DC, Happy by Pharrell, Jump by Van Halen, and then lastly Livin' on a Prayer by Bon Jovi. Hope you enjoyed.


	11. House Visit

Bruce Wayne: Guys be on your best behavior, Damian’s principal is coming over tonight, as a sort of gesture, after what Damian did at school.

Jaybird: u mean calling a girl a prostitute?

Bruce Wayne: Yes.

Jaybird: Great

Bruce Wayne: Yes, Principal Stevens will be over in less than a half an hour, so be ready. That means no weapons out.

Jaybird: Principal Stevens? That old fuck is still principal? He hated me when I went to Gotham High.

Boy Wonder: How’d he hate you? He loves everyone

Damian: Leave it to Todd to get someone who loves everyone, hate him.

Jaybird: U know, I can solve the problem and Principal Stevens won’t have to come

Damian: How do you propose we do that?

Jaybird: I MURDER U!

Boy Wonder: Jay, u know what Alfred says about threatening to kill other members of the family!

Jaybird: Whatever, I still don’t like him

Damian: -tt- Like your the most likable person ever.

Jaybird: EVERYBODY LOVES ME!

Damian: Except Principal Stevens.

Tim: Damn

Jaybird: Stay out of this Replacement

Boy Wonder: Jason, you know how Alfred feels about you not referring to Tim by his name.

Agent A: He is very right sir. Now apologize.

Jaybird: I’m sorry Alfred

Agent A: I meant, to Master Timothy.

Jaybird: Sorry Ti… Ti… Tim

Agent A: Now how hard was that?

Jaybird: U have no idea the difficulty I had pressing the m key.

Agent A: …

Boy Wonder: u left Alfred speechless

Jaybird: I have that effect on people

Damian: It is not in a good way.

Jaybird: U know what demon spawn!

Agent A: Master Jason please.

Agent A: Master Damian don’t throw that shuriken.

Tim: WHEN DID BRUCE GIVE DAMIAN HIS SWORD BACK?!?!

Agent A: Oh no

Boy Wonder: What’s happening in there?

Tim: Damian is hanging from the chandelier throwing shurikens at Jason.

Boy Wonder: Batarang shurikens?

Tim: No. Actual, ninja throwing star, shurikens

Boy Wonder: Where did he get them?

Agent: Master Dick, please come to the main entrance to break this up

Boy Wonder: Be right there

Tim: Why’d u run away from Jason when u got upstairs

Boy Wonder: BECAUSE HE HAS A PISTOL OUT!!!

Bruce Wayne: WHAT THE HELL IS ALL THAT NOISE UPSTAIRS? I HEAR YOU GUYS FROM THE BATCAVE!!!!

Agent A: Master Bruce, I would suggest that you come upstairs, Master Bruce.

Boy Wonder: OMG

Tim: I’ve never seen Bruce so angry.

Stephanie: I think I just heard the doorbell, don’t worry, I got it.

Tim: NOOO!

Agent A: PLEASE, MISS STEPHANIE, DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR!

Jaybird: This is gonna be good.

Jaybird: HAHAHAHAH. He ran faster than a criminal who just saw Batman!

Bruce: Dammit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone interested in seeing this chapter as an actual story other than just texting, check out Home Visit.


	12. What's His Bloodtype

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys SO much. I can't believe that I already got to 86 kudos because of you guys. I honestly can't believe that you guys are enjoying this that much. The support is awesome.

Jaybird: Does any1 know what blood type Jay is?

Boy Wonder: What HAPPENED? WHO’S TEXTING?

Jaybird: SHIT!!!!!! WRONG CHAT!!!! IS BRUCE IN THIS CHAT???

Boy Wonder: Who is this?

Jaybird: I don’t want to disclose my name with Bruce in this chat.

Boy Wonder: ROY!!!!! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!?!

Jaybird: HOW’D U KNOW IT WAS ME?!?

Boy Wonder: Who else hangs out with Jason and knows Bruce’s identity?

Jaybird: Good point

Boy Wonder: Yea, anyway, WHAT HAPPENED?!?!

Jaybird: He may have gotten injured and needs some blood....

Jaybird: would u know his bloodtype?

Boy Wonder: Yes I know his bloodtype, how’d he get injured?

Jaybird: Unimportant, what’s his bloodtype?

Boy Wonder: I have the same bloodtype, where are u?

Jaybird: I’m at Jason’s safehouse in West Side

Boy Wonder: B there in 10

Jaybird: K…

Boy Wonder: HOLY SHIT… GUYS U WON’T BELIEVE WHAT JASON LOOKS LIKE?

Tim: What?

Boy Wonder: I would send a pic, but…

Tim: But what?

Boy Wonder: His stomach is gushing blood

Damian: Do u think he will die?

Boy Wonder: I dont think so

Damian: Damn

Boy Wonder: Dami!!!!

Damian: What?

Boy Wonder: that’s just wrong

Damian: Just saying what everyone was thinking.

Jaybird: Damn, your brother is a savage!

Damian: I don’t need to be told by a junkie

Tim: this isn’t going to end well

Jaybird: I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!

Agent A: Master Roy, please do watch your language

Jaybird: Sorry Al

Agent A: It is okay Master Roy.

Boy Wonder: ok, the blood transfusion is done.

Agent A: Thank god.

Damian: Damn

Agent A: MASTER DAMIAN!!!!

Damian has left the groupchat

Jaybird: I can’t believe he wanted me to die....

Jaybird: Actually I can

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter. This specific chapter was inspired by a comment I received by rpglady76. So feel free to comment suggestions, and maybe you'll see them pop up.


	13. Who is Bruce's Archenemy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so first off, THIS IS INSANE! Thank you guys so much. I never thought I would get 100 kudos on any of my works, but it really shows how much you guys are enjoying this, so thank you. Second of all, this was inspired by a post on Bland DC Headcannon by @everythingsucksbutthatsokay. I found it funny and hope you guys do as well.

Boy Wonder: So who is Bruce’s archenemy/greatest villain/most challenging foe?

Barbara: Joker

Stephanie: Agreed

Jaybird: R U KIDDING?

Tim: Why don’t u think it’s Joker?

Jaybird: U think it’s joker too?

Tim: No I just want to know your reasoning.

Jaybird: BECAUSE JOKER IS MY ARCHENEMY!!!!

Tim: HAHAHAHA

Damian: That’s funny Todd. You're not even in his league. I mean, he KILLED YOU!

Jaybird: Y does everyone bring that up I was like, 16!

Tim: Damian is the only one who brings it up

Jaybird: Good point. So replacement, who do you think his ‘archenemy’ is?

Tim: Obviously Ra’s, he’s the only one who matches Bruce mentally and physically.

Damian: My grandfather is not a bad guy, he is misunderstood!

Jaybird: Yeah, ok.

Boy Wonder: I say Bane should be put in the running. I mean he did break Bruce physically and mentally.

Damian: I say Todd is Father’s greatest enemy.

Jaybird: WHAT?!?!

Jaybird: R U KIDDING?!?

Damian: No. If we are going off of physically and mentally challenging you were both.

Tim: I actually agree with Damian. You knew the insides and outsides of Bruce. You even had the opportunity to blow him up, but chose to not do it since he wouldn’t know it was you. You then continued to psychologically break him by reminding him of his past failures. You also started a gang war, and made him have to deal with Joker. I say you actually did a pretty good job as an archenemy.

Jaybird: I don’t know whether to b flattered or offended.

Boy Wonder: Ok, so contenders r Jason, Bane, Joker, and Ra’s. Would anybody like to add anyone?

Agent A: The Riddler was also someone that caused a great threat to Master Bruce. Especially when he orchestrated the plot with Thomas Elliot

Boy Wonder: Good point.

Jaybird: I was also a part of that.

Tim: Are you trying to win the title of Bruce’s archenemy?

Jaybird: I’m not sure, I kinda wanna earn that title now

Boy Wonder: r u serious?

Tim: Don’t get distracted.

Barbara: Riddler doesn’t pose a physical threat to Bruce, he should be disqualified

Tim: Yeah, or you can view it as even though he can’t match Bruce physically, he is still able to orchestrate complex schemes where others do the physical part like with Hush.

Barbara: Yea, but there are other villains who are smart and also strong.

Boy Wonder: Agreed, Riddler is out.

Tim: I think Bane should be disqualified.

Boy Wonder: Y?

Tim: Because he is beaten normally by Bruce even with Venom.

Boy Wonder: Yeah, but he also broke Bruce’s back!

Tim: After forcing Bruce to verse every single one of his previously incarcerated villains.

Boy Wonder: Yea, but it was part of his strategy

Tim: But his strategy sucked, there was no actual planning. All he did was break them out. At least with Riddler everyone played a very particular part in the plan, slowly wearing down Bruce. With Bane it was not planned out.

Boy Wonder: But u could say that Bane’s plan was using the chaos.

Tim: No, Bane had a plan, which he couldn’t execute fully because of the chaos

Boy Wonder: But he rolled with the punches and broke Bruce’s back.

Tim: Bane isn’t Bruce’s worst enemy, honestly, I think it comes down to Joker, Ra’s, and Jason.

Jaybird: Joker can’t take Bruce physically

Tim: It depends on how you look at it. He doesn’t just plan like Riddler, he is there with his men when he goes through with his schemes. He just doesn’t have much hand to hand ability, but he is still dangerous with a knife

Damian: Or a crowbar

Jaybird: I will slit your throat when you sleep…

Boy Wonder: Even with a knife, he can’t take Bruce on hand to hand.

Tim: By combining his minor hand to hand skills with his weapons training, plus his mind games, he is able to take on Bruce

Boy Wonder: But he has ended up in Arkham several times.

Tim: Only because he won’t kill Bruce, “Because he’s just too much fun.” Most other villains don’t ever get close. Joker gets close, tastes victory and chooses to lose.

Bruce: EVERYONE SHUT UP! RA’S IS MY ARCHENEMY! HE IS BOTH A PHYSICAL AND A MENTAL THREAT! NOW, I NEED TO GET BACK TO BEING THE CEO OF A COMPANY SO I CAN AFFORD BEING BATMAN!


	14. Bohemian Batsody

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by a comment by PRINCESSNINJA. Hope you guys enjoy. Also disclaimer: I do not own Bohemian Rapsody.

Boy Wonder: Is this the real life?

Jaybird: Really?

Stephanie: Is this just fantasy?

Jaybird: R u guys serious?

Tim: Caught in a landslide

Agent A: No escape from reality.

Jaybird: U got Alfred in on this?

Boy Wonder: Open your eyes

Stephanie: Look up to the skies and seeeeee

Jaybird: whatever

Bruce: I’m just an orphan boy, I need no sympathy

Jaybird: R U FUCKING KIDDING? BRUCE TOO? AND THOSE R NOT EVEN RIGHT WORDS!

Boy Wonder: Because I’m easy come

Stephanie: Easy go

Bruce: Little rich, little low

Jaybird: THOSE AREN’T THE WORDS!

Boy Wonder: Anywhere the Bat goes, doesn’t really matter to meeeee

Tim: To me

Damian: Father, just killed a man

Damian: Put a sword up to his neck

Damian: Slashed his throat and now he’s dead

Damian: Father, Life had just begun

Damian: But now I’ve gone and thrown it allllll away

Damian: Father, ooo

Boy Wonder: Didn’t mean to make you cry

Tim: If I’m not back again, this time tomorrow

Stephanie: Carry on, carry on, like nothing really matters

Jaybird: Fuck it

Jaybird: Too late, my time has come

Jaybird: The crowbar sent shivers down my spine

Jaybird: Now my body’s aching all the time

Boy Wonder: Goodbye everybody I’ve got to go

Tim: Gotta leave it all behind and face the truth

Damian: Father, ooo

Jaybird: I don’t wanna die

Jaybird: Sometimes I wish I’d never been Robin at all

Stephanie: I see a little silhouetto of a man

Boy Wonder: His name is Bruce, name is Bruce, will you do the fandango

Stephanie: Thunderbolt and lightning, very very frightening me

Tim: Galileo, Galileo 

Damian: Galileo, Galileo 

Stephanie: Galileo Figaro - magnifico

Bruce: I’m just a rich boy nobody loves me

Jaybird: He’s just a rich boy from a dead family

Tim: Damn

Boy Wonder: Spare him his life from this monstrosity

Stephanie: Easy come, easy go, will you let him go?

Jaybird: Bismillah! No we will not let you go 

Boy Wonder: Let him go

Jaybird: Bismillah! We will not let you go 

Boy Wonder: Let him go

Jaybird: Bismillah! We will not let you go 

Bruce: Let me go

Jaybird: Will not let you go

Bruce: Let me go

Jaybird: Never let you go

Bruce: Let me go

Jaybird: Never let you go ooo

Boy Wonder: No

Tim: No

Stephanie: No

Damian: No

Jaybird: No

Agent A: No

Stephanie: No

Bruce: Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go

Jaybird: Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me

Bruce: For me

Damian: For me

Bruce: So you think you can stop me and spit in my eye

Jaybird: So you think you can beat me then leave me to die

Dick: Oh baby can't do this to me baby

Jaybird: Just gotta get out just gotta get right outta here

Barbara: Ooh yeah, ooh yeah

Jaybird: Nothing really matters

Bruce: Anyone can see

Damian: Nothing really matters nothing really matters to me

Boy Wonder: I love this groupchat.


	15. Bibliophilia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this idea is inspired by an idea by PRINCESSNINJA, but how I wrote it is a little off. I would've never thought to actually include Jason's love of books as a chapter, so thank you for the idea PRINCESSNINJA. Even though it's not the exact idea, I hope you still enjoy PRINCESSNINJA. And I hope you guys enjoy as well.

Boy Wonder: Timmy, I bet you I can annoy Jason is under ten minutes

Tim: Deal

Boy Wonder has added Jaybird to the groupchat

Boy Wonder: Just watched the Hobbit

Jaybird: The book was a thousand times better.

Boy Wonder: I thought the movie was okay.

Jaybird: Did you watch all 3 of them?

Boy Wonder: THERE ARE THREE MOVIES!?!

Jaybird: yea and all from 1 short book. Greedy bastards.

Boy Wonder: How short is the book?

Jaybird: 300 pages. The Harry Potter books on the other hand each got 1 movie except for the last one, and those books ranged from 300-900 pages

Boy Wonder: So there aren’t eight books?

Jaybird: Have you ever picked up a book.

Boy Wonder: ...

Boy Wonder: Not long ones

Jaybird: What have you read?

Boy Wonder: I read Fifty Shades of Gray

Jaybird: R U FUCKING KIDDING?!?!

Jaybird has left the groupchat

Boy Wonder: Hahaha, told you

Tim: Lol

Jaybird has rejoined groupchat

Jaybird: Have you read anything other than that?

Boy Wonder: U mean Fifty Shades?

Jaybird: Please don’t say that name.

Boy Wonder: Hmm

Jaybird: U ever read Shakespeare?

Boy Wonder: What’s Shakespeare?

Agent A: Master Jason, are you alright? I heard a loud noise in your room.

Jaybird: Fine Alfred, but I may have a fist sized hole in the wall. I’ll fix it later.

Agent: Very well…

Jaybird: So ur telling me uve never heard of Shakespeare?

Boy Wonder: What is Shakespeare?

Jaybird: Julius Caesar, Romeo and Juliet, Hamlet, Macbeth?

Boy Wonder: Isn’t Julius Caesar some Roman dude?

Boy Wonder: Jason?

Boy Wonder: Jason? It’s been ten minutes, how come you haven’t answered my question?

Jaybird: I was taking deep breaths and avoiding stupidity.

Jaybird: Have you ever heard of Edgar Allen Poe?

Boy Wonder: Not sure…

Jaybird: The Raven?

Boy Wonder: I know Raven

Jaybird: Have you ever read anything by Stephen King?

Boy Wonder: I see enough monsters on a daily basis, I don’t need to read about them.

Jaybird: At least you know who he is.

Jaybird: How about Tom Clancy?

Boy Wonder: He writes books? I just know him because of the video games

Jaybird: How about James Patterson?

Jaybird: or John Grisham?

Boy Wonder: Ur just making up people now

Jaybird: R U KIDDING?

Jaybird: WHAT THE FUCK?!!?

Jaybird has left the groupchat

Tim: You had already won, you didn’t have to continue.

Boy Wonder: I know, but I was having fun

Tim: He is sooo going to kill you

Boy Wonder: So worth it.


	16. Are you Okay?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that I haven't written in awhile, school has been jam packed in the past couple of weeks, I just got done with standardized testing. Anyway, hope you guys enjoy.

Jaybird: Guesssssssss wht i jysst disd

Boy Wonder: Jason, r u ok?

Jaybird: YWSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! Y wiuldnt i v?

Boy Wonder: Because ur screwing up texting more than normal.

Jaybird: I fewwl G8! NW Anwer mt Qeustin!

Boy Wonder: U didn’t ask a question.

Jaybird: I disnt?

Boy Wonder: Nope

Jaybird: I mesnt ty sskk whrs mu cae

Boy Wonder: in the garage?

Jaybird: I hacs nw questuon.

Jaybird: Whewf Am I???????????

Boy Wonder: How do you not know where you are?

Jaybird: Im asjing the qyestions heew!

Jaybird: Whrs r y?

Boy Wonder: Jason are you drunk?

Jaybird: NOOOOO!

Jaybird: Actyally wayt!

Boy Wonder: What?

Jaybird: Id everting is spinig an i drunk?

Boy Wonder: Possibly…

Jaybird: Huw sbyut if I dranj a botrle of vodak

Boy Wonder: YOU DRANK AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA!?!

Jaybird: I donr renemver.

Jaybird: I hust foubd gingerale!

Jaybird: ut tasyes weirs

Boy Wonder: …

Boy Wonder: What brand does it say?

Jaybird: Heibekin 

Boy Wonder: Jason… that’s beer

Jaybird: i kbew ut wad fanuliar

Jaybird has changed his name to HAHS UR DEAD! CAISE I SHOY U!

HAHS UR DEAD! CAISE I SHOY U!: hoed u lije my naem?

Boy Wonder: You need counseling.

Bruce: What is going on?

Damian: Todd is drunk and is being more of a dumbass than normal.

Bruce: Great.

Boy Wonder: Yea and he doesn’t know where he is

Tim: I do tho

Boy Wonder: HOW!?!

Tim: I’m looking at him.

Boy Wonder: WHAT?

Tim: I went to one of my apartments after finishing patrol and he was in my fridge.

Boy Wonder: What was he eating.

Tim: I don’t think you understand, he was IN my fridge

Boy Wonder: HAHAHAHAHA

Tim: And now he’s asleep in my bed.

Bruce: Let him sleep it off

Tim: He’s in MY bed!

Bruce: Come back to the mansion for the night if you want

Damian: Or wake up Todd, though that isn’t a good idea when he’s sober, let alone hungover.

Damian: Actually come to think of it… You should definitely wake him up!

Tim: And I’ll tell him it was you.

Damian: I changed my mind...

Damian: Tim

Damian: TIM!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed. And remember, I do take suggestions for the conversation topics. If you do have an idea comment below and let me know.


	17. You're DOING What?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Sexualish Conversation. Nothing explicit though. Also inspired by a comment by ActingDylia.

Tim: Dick, I need your help!

Barbara: What do you need Tim?

Tim: Sorry Babs, I ONLY need Dick’s help.

Barbara: This is Dick, duh.

Tim: Why are you on Barbara’s phone? It’s three in the morning.

Boy Wonder: I wasn't on Barbara’s phone

HAHS UR DEAD! CAISE I SHOY U!: Yea u were and I bet I know what u were doin

HAHS UR DEAD! CAISE I SHOY U! has changed his name to The Red Hood

Boy Wonder: enlighten me

The Red Hood: u were FUCKING

The Red Hood: HAVING SEX

The Red Hood: SCREWING

The Red Hood: MAKING LOVE

The Red Hood: Inserting the p…

Tim: We get it

The Red Hood: Don’t get me started on Tim, are you even 18?

Tim: Yea I’m over 18

The Red Hood: ok good, otherwise I’d have to tell Bruce

Tim: Tell Bruce what? I'm doing nothing wrong

The Red Hood: you are having sex

Tim: No I'm not!

Tim: With who?

Tim: Why would you think that?

The Red Hood: Yes u are.

The Red Hood: Stephanie

The Red Hood: My room is next to urs, replacement

Stephanie: wait what did he just say

Bruce: Tim, what did Jason just imply?

The Red Hood: I wasn’t implying anything, him and Stephanie have sex extremely loudly.

Bruce: Tim!

The Red Hood: Don’t even get me started on u Bruce

Damian: U have nothing on him, Todd. He is faithful to my mother.

The Red Hood: Tell that to Vicki Vale

The Red Hood: and Catwoman

Damian: YOU DID IT WITH THAT SLUT!?!

The Red Hood: And Silver St Cloud

The Red Hood: Hell, u even did Lois

The Red Hood: And Wonder Woman

The Red Hood: And Black Canary, WOW! I c where Dick gets it from now.

Bruce: I will…

The Red Hood: Kill me? U haven’t killed the Joker after he killed me, u won’t kill me

Bruce: …

The Red Hood: Besides don’t u have to kill Tim first?

Bruce: Good point.

Tim: What the hell Jason?

Stephanie: Yea seriously?

Bruce: Tim, when I find you, I am giving you the talk.

Tim: ARE YOU SERIOUS?!

Bruce: When am I not.

Tim: I got the talk when I was ten. That was almost nine years ago!

The Red Hood: Yea, that was nine years ago. He needs to be refreshed on the subject

Tim: I WILL KILL YOU JASON!

The Red Hood: u better b using protection!

Tim: What is wrong with you?

The Red Hood: just want to make sure u don’t have kids when ur only 19 :)

Tim: I can’t wait to have my hands wrapped around your throat

The Red Hood: Kinky

Tim: Oh crap, Bruce is knocking on my door!

Bruce: Tim open the door!

Bruce: Did you just jump out the window?

Tim: Maybe

The Red Hood: I know where he’s going

Bruce: Where?

The Red Hood: Isn't it obvious?

Bruce: WHERE?!

The Red Hood: Stephanie’s ;)

The Red Hood: Now u can give them both the talk at the same time!

Stephanie: I hate u!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed the chapter.


	18. WHAT THE F***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry I haven't posted in so long. I had spring break and then getting back to class and all that, but you'll be seeing a lot more of me from now on. As always, hope you guys enjoy.

The Red Hood: Bruce!

The Red Hood: Bruce!

The Red Hood: Bruce!

The Red Hood: Bruce!

 

The Red Hood!: BRUCE!

Bruce: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

The Red Hood: you’ll never believe what i just found a pic of

Bruce: What?

The Red Hood: So it was u

Bruce: Ok…

The Red Hood: and the Joker

Bruce: …

The Red Hood: With his d*** in your mouth

Bruce has left the groupchat

The Red Hood: WHY THE F*** am I CENSORED?

Agent A: That would be my doing, Master Jason.

The Red Hood: WHAT THE F*** DID YOU DO?

Agent A: I had Miss Gordon program your phone to censor out any curse words used.

The Red Hood: But d*** is also D***’s name.

Agent A: I’m afraid you’ll have to call Master Dick... Richard.

The Red Hood: ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING?!?!

The Red Hood: THIS IS ABSOLUTE BULLS***

The Red Hood: F*** YOU BABS!

The Red Hood: YOU F***ING B****!

Barbara: You done throwing a temper tantrum?

The Red Hood: f*** off

Barbara: I’m sorry what was that? I couldn’t understand.

The Red Hood: I WILL F***ING KILL YOU!!!!

Barbara: Using what? You’re guns?

The Red Hood: Duh!

The Red Hood: WHY THE F*** ARE THERE WATER GUNS IN MY HOLSTER!?!

The Red Hood: BARBARA!!!!

Barbara: How could I do that? I’m on the other side of town.

The Red Hood: STEPHANIE!!!

Stephanie: That’s what u get for making Bruce give me and Tim the talk

The Red Hood: U should kno by now I don’t make Bruce do anything

Stephanie: IT WAS TWO HOURS LONG!

The Red Hood: Heh…

The Red Hood: I’ll just kill you guys with my knives

The Red Hood: WHERE ARE MY KNIVES?!?!

Stephanie: Where you left them

The Red Hood: My knives ARENT F***ING FOAM!

The Red Hood: U KNOW WHAT? F*** IT! ILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS!

Barbara: About that…

The Red Hood: What did you do?

Stephanie: we kinda locked u out of all the systems

The Red Hood: Is that why my door wont open?

Stephanie: :)

The Red Hood: Okay, so I understand y Steph is doing it. I outed her as f***ing Tim, but y u Babs?

Barbara: You know why!

The Red Hood: No I dont!

Barbara: You told my dad that I’m sleeping with Dick. He barged in at 5 in the morning and gave us a talk about the importance of condoms.

The Red Hood: I CANT BELIEVE HE DID THAT!! 

Barbara: How did he even find out? Do you have his number?

The Red Hood: No I borrowed Bruce’s phone while he gave Tim and Steph the talk ;)

Barbara: I will kill you

The Red Hood: How u plan on doing that?

Barbara: Cass is on her way

The Red Hood: WAIT… WHAT!?!?! NO!

Barbara: What? Scared of a 22 year old girl?

The Red Hood: WHO ISNT?!?

The Red Hood: Please call her off!

Tim: Only if you change your name to ILOVECROWBARS

The Red Hood: F*** U

Barbara: Don’t worry those aren’t Steph and my terms.

Stephanie: Not originally, put now it’s a part of them!

The Red Hood has changed his name to ILOVECROWBARS

ILOVECROWBARS: Happy?

Barbara: Now for the rest of your punishment. For the next week, while on patrol, you have to wear the underwear you wore as Robin instead of your pants.

ILOVECROWBARS: R U F***ING JOKING?

Barbara: Nope.

Stephanie: Also you have to work at a strip club for a month.

ILOVECROWBARS: If you want to see my body without any clothes all you have to do it ask

Stephanie: Screw you!

Barbara: Yeah, screw you!

ILOVECROWBARS: I know you want to ;) So, superhero threesome?

Stephanie: Go screw YOURSELF!

ILOVECROWBARS: Sorry kid, doesnt work that way

ILOVECROWBARS has been kicked from conversation for sexual harassment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed the chapter!


	19. Costumes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoy the chapter. This was suggested by SophieFilo16. And the picture linked in the story is not owned by me.

ILOVECROWBARS has joined the conversation

ILOVECROWBARS has changed name to Jason F***ing Todd

Tim: Why did you rejoin?

Jason F***ing Todd: Because I have something I want to show everyone, but first let me just say…

Jason F***ing Todd: I made good tips as a stripper

Jason F***ing Todd: I mean my whole gimmick was that I dressed as heroes. I even dressed as Wally and dyed my hair red. Hopefully they don’t figure out why I dyed my hair red.

Wally: WTF

Jason F***ing Todd: Why the f*** is Wally in the chat?

Damian: he is your replacement

Jason F***ing Todd: U replaced me?

Damian: Don’t act like it’s the first time.

Damian: Only last time everybody was assuming (and hoping) you wouldn’t come back.

Jason F***ing Todd: F*** YOU!

Damian: Merely stating the truth.

Tim: Back to what you were talking about before…

Jason F***ing Todd: OH YEAH!

Jason F***ing Todd: So I was in my room right

Tim: Okay…

Jason F***ing Todd: And I was going through my old stuff…

Tim: Okay…

Jason F***ing Todd: And I found this picture…

Tim: Of?

Jason F***ing Todd:

http://pre11.deviantart.net/654c/th/pre/i/2016/092/f/d/koriand_r_and_disco_nightwing_by_brittnidraws-d9xhwap.png

Wally: HOLY SHIT! I REMEMBER THAT PHASE THAT HE WENT THROUGH!

Boy Wonder: I hate you guys

Damian: Grayson, why are you showing off your chest?

Damian: And why is there yellow in the costume?

Damian: And why are you with that bimbo?

Boy Wonder: I hate you guys.

Stephanie: I like that costume

Boy Wonder: Thank you Steph

Boy Wonder: Besides Jay, youre one to talk you used to wear a dome as a helmet

Jason F***ing Todd: We agreed never to speak of that.

Boy Wonder: Everyone has made a couple mistakes costume wise…

Tim: What do you mean?

Boy Wonder: You had glowing wings...

Tim: Point taken…

Damian: I have not had a bad costume. However, father has tons.

Bruce: Don’t push it…

Jason F***ing Todd: Seriously though bruce, what is it with the weird as costumes?

Bruce: …

Jason F***ing Todd: I mean you have that weird rainbow one.

Jason F***ing Todd: And the suit with nipples…

Bruce: This is why Ace is my favorite...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed, any suggestions? Let me know in the comment section. See you guys later.


	20. Types

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoy this new chapter! And for once in forever this is actually an original idea and not inspired by you guys. Not that I'm complaining I LOVE your guys ideas sooo much! Anways, enjoy.

Jason F***ing Todd: Barbara Gordon, Starfire, that girl u met in England last year, the girl from metropolis, that girl u met at that convention what do they have in common Dick?

Boy Wonder: for someone who hates this group chat you do start most of the conversations. Lonely?

Jason F***ing Todd: Answer the question.

Boy Wonder: they all know me?

Jason F***ing Todd: and?

Boy Wonder: And what?

Tim: Are you playing dumb?

Jason F***ing Todd: maybe he really is r****ed

Boy Wonder: what did you call me? I have no idea with the censoring

Jason F***ing Todd: Well if I wasn't f***ing censored by ur girlfriend, then u would know!

Boy Wonder: Anyway what's the similarity?

Jason F***ing Todd: Yep, definetly r*****ed

Boy Wonder: What?

Jason F***ing Todd: well first of u f***ed them all

Boy Wonder: way to be blunt

Jason F***ing Todd: and they all have red hair

Boy Wonder: …

Jason F***ing Todd: and they all have large b***s

Jason F***ing Todd: R U KIDDING U CENSORED B***S BABS?

Boy Wonder: what's b***s?

Jason F***ing Todd: t**s

Jason F***ing Todd: F*** YOU

Jason F***ing Todd: they all have large breasts

Boy Wonder: …

Jason F***ing Todd: yep, u have a clear type

Boy Wonder: Well u do too!

Tim: You've actually met anyone Jason dated?

Boy Wonder: well, no. But I know who he hits on.

Tim: So his type is living females?

Jason F***ing Todd: DAMN, TIM GOT U MAN!

Boy Wonder: Well I know Tim’s type

Jason F***ing Todd: Oh, trust me, I do too

Damian: Not difficult to figure out.

Tim: What are you talking about? I've dated all ethnicities, all hair color...

Jason F***ing Todd: they all have something in common

Tim: What would that be?

Jason F***ing Todd: They all have nice, round a**es

Stephanie: JASON PETER TODD, HAVE YOU BEEN LOOKING AT MY ASS?!

Jason F***ing Todd: s***

Stephanie: Answer the question!!

Jason F***ing Todd: I'm just saying that….

Stephanie: I know what ur saying!

Stephanie: And what about you Damian Wayne? What were you going to say his type is?

Damian: I was going to say…

Damian: I was going to say that…

Damian: That they are all airheads!

Stephanie: What were you really going to say?

Damian: Have to go, hear Pennyworth calling me!

Stephanie: And what about you Richard Grayson?

Boy Wonder: I was going to say older women who are intelligent…

Stephanie: This isn't the end of this conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed. If you have any suggestions or ideas comment below. Also, I want to thank everyone for the 300 kudos that I just reached, that's amazing! Anyways, thanks so much for reading! Ciao.


	21. English Paper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to the suggestions, not that I mind. Anyways, this was suggested by SophieFilo16, so thanks. Hope you guys enjoy!

Damian: Grayson, for English I have to do a report. However I was torn between you and father as the subject matter.

Boy Wonder: that's so sweet. What's the prompt?

Damian: A real life hero that you know.

Damian: And obviously Batman is the best hero, so you or father are obvious choices.

Boy Wonder: I don't think you understand the prompt completely.

Damian: What are you implying?

Boy Wonder: It is talking about a hero in your life

Damian: Yes, you and father are both heroes in my life.

Boy Wonder: But it’s talking about someone in your life who has made an impact and who you look up to.

 

Damian: It is asking for a HERO.

Boy Wonder: yea, but…

Jason F***ing Todd: I say you make your report on me

Damian: Why would I do that?

Jason F***ing Todd: Because Im F***ing amazing!

Damian: You seem to be the only person who thinks so.

Jason F***ing Todd: Tell that to all of Dick’s exes

Boy Wonder: Did you really have to bring them into this?

Jason F***ing Todd: U cant still be butthurt that they all slept with me

Barbara: I haven’t

Jason F***ing Todd: Not yet ;)

Boy Wonder:  Besides you aren’t really hero material, you are more… deadbeat dad material.

Tim: That’s harsh

Jason F***ing Todd: thanks Tim

Tim: Yeah, I don’t think the kid would want to call him ‘dad’

Jason F***ing Todd: F*** YOU

Tim: Anyways though, so you need a hero?

Damian: Yes.

Barbara: I say you do Alfred.

Tim: I agree.

Jason F***ing Todd: That is actually…

Jason F***ing Todd: not a horrible choice

Boy Wonder: Agreed.

Damian: You want me to do a report on my cat?

Tim: No, we want you to do one on ‘Pennyworth’.

Damian: Ohhhh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed the chapter!


	22. Highway to Hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So basically I was in the car and Another One Bites the Dust came on and I thought, "That would be a horrible song to play at a funeral..."

Jason F***ing Todd: When I die for the second time I want Highway to Hell to be played at my funeral.

Damian: Done.

Jason F***ing Todd: I’m glad someone will do it for me.

Damian: Well it’s not like it isn’t deserved.

Stephanie: That is one of the worst songs to play at a funeral

Jason F***ing Todd: NO!

Stephanie: YEAH!

Jason F***ing Todd: What about Another One Bites the Dust. That would be more appropriate in our line of work.

Tim: True, but very messed up.

Jason F***ing Todd: Just think about it, the next time Superman dies they just start blasting “Another one bites the dust, Another one bites the dust, And another one gone and another one gone”

Tim: Yeah, but when he comes back to life he is going to kick your ass for suggesting it.

Jason F***ing Todd: It’d b worth it.

Tim: If you say so.

Jason F***ing Todd: And then at Dick’s funeral let’s play Happy by Pharrell

Boy Wonder: R U KIDDING?!?!

Damian: How about Stayin’ Alive?

Jason F***ing Todd: U know what, Im starting to like this kid.

Stephanie: How about Ding Dong the Witch is Dead from Wizard of Oz?

Jason F***ing Todd: Only if we play it at Bruce’s funeral

Tim: It’s all fine until he comes back after traveling through time and kicks your ass.

Jason F***ing Todd: Oh, it’d totally b worth it, even more so than Superman’s 

Jason F***ing Todd: And how about Hell’s Bells for someone…

Damian: How about shake it off when a hero dies?

Jason F***ing Todd: HAHAHA

Jason F***ing Todd: For Joker we are playing Ha Ha You’re Dead by Green Day

Boy Wonder: I’m actually okay with that.

Tim: You expect Joker to receive a funeral?

Jason F***ing Todd: I’ll pay for one, just so I can play that over his dead body.

Jason F***ing Todd: And so I can p*** a little on his body too

Bruce: This family is just….

Bruce: I don’t even know what to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed the chapter.


	23. Animal Farm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the support! It's awesome to see you guys are enjoying it so much! So this chapter was suggested by SophieFilo16, hope you enjoy.

Jason F***ing Todd: DAMIAN!!!!

Damian: What do you want Todd?

Jason F***ing Todd: Your cow bit a hole in my jacket

Damian: If he did it, then I am sure he had a good reason.

Jason F***ing Todd: This is an expensive jacket!

Damian: So?

Jason F***ing Todd: aIt was your cow’s fault!

Damian: Does it look like I care?

Jason F***ing Todd: You’re buying me a new jacket!

Damian: Why would I do that?

Jason F***ing Todd: ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING?!?!

Damian: I don't have the time to kid.

Jason F***ing Todd: THIS ISN’T EVEN THE FIRST TIME YOU’RE ‘PET’ DID SOMETHING LIKE THIS!!!

Damian: Name two times.

Jason F***ing Todd: Last week week when Titus p***ed on me!

Damian: He was marking his property.

Dick: I think Titus made you his bitch

Jason F***ing Todd: Damn, Dick getting dirty

Damian: is that you're only example?

Jason F***ing Todd: and then Alfred clawed at my hair yesterday.

Damian: I can't help the fact that your hair looks like a litter box.

Jason F***ing Todd: You little S***!!!!

Jason F***ing Todd: and then there's Goliath

Jason F***ing Todd: WHO THE F*** GIVES A CHILD A…

Jason F***ing Todd: WHATEVER THE F*** THAT IS?!?!?

Damian: What do you have against Goliath?

Jason F***ing Todd: He crushed my bike when he was landing!

Damian: It was your own fault for leaving it there.

Jason F***ing Todd: ARE YOUR SERIOUS!?!?

Damian: Very.

Jason F***ing Todd: F*** you!

Jason F***ing Todd: F*** this chat!

Jason F***ing Todd: F*** your pets!

Jason F***ing Todd: Any objections to burgers for dinner?

Damian: Wait, what?

Damian: Todd?

Damian: Todd!

Damian: TODD!!!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys all enjoyed this chapter, and sometime in the future I'm going to do something to explain where we are in the timeline right now, since you guys seem to be slightly confused, not that it's your fault, it's definetly mine. Anyway talk to you guys later.


	24. Surprise Party!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so it's really weird this is the first chapter in a long time that has no swearing in any of the texts, probably because of the lack of Jason. Anyways, hope you guys enjoy!

Boy Wonder: Guys Jason’s birthday is coming up, we are throwing a surprise party.

Stephanie: YAY! Sounds fun!

Damian: Why should we?

Bruce: Yeah, I don't think that's it's the smartest idea…

Boy Wonder: whys that?

Bruce: Remember when he was Robin and you threw him a surprise party?

Boy Wonder: Not really…

Bruce: When everyone shouted “SURPRISE!” He started throwing batarangs at everyone. Roy ended up in the medbay with a batarang stuck in his arm. Sound familiar?

Boy Wonder: Yeah, but he's older now

Bruce: You're right, now he owns guns.

Tim: I agree with Bruce.

Boy Wonder: BUT TIMMY!

Tim: I am not going to be shot by Jason again!

Boy Wonder: but if he shoots you this time at least it'll be on accident

Tim: So?

Stephanie: C’mon, it could b fun!

Tim: Yeah, no.

Boy Wonder: What if in the party favors everyone got bullet proof vests?

Tim: You're joking right?

Boy Wonder: No?

Tim: We are not throwing him a surprise party. Besides who would actually come?

Boy Wonder: Roy and the rest of The Titans…

Boy Wonder: Um…

Boy Wonder: Does he have a girlfriend?

Damian: Last I heard he was sleeping with that alien harlot that you dated.

Boy Wonder: Kory?

Damian: Yes.

Boy Wonder: Do you assume all women that I date are whores?

Damian: Pretty much.

Barbara: DAMIAN!

Damian: Except for Gordon, I'm surprised she's even had sex.

Barbara: What's that supposed to mean?

Damian: I'm merely commenting on how you seem like the type to wait until you're married.

Barbara: Is he making fun of me?

Boy Wonder: Of course not…

Damian: Of course not.

Barbara: Good, because if you were, well… you won't see me coming.

Damian: Like you could take me in close quartered combat.

Barbara: You say that now, but you'd be crying for Bruce with in minutes.

Tim: I can see that, “Father, Father, Gordon hit me!”

Boy Wonder: Guys get back on task.

Jason F***ing Todd: Yeah guys, back to my surprise party

Tim: You forgot to take Jason out of the conversation?

Boy Wonder: I thought he left the groupchat, he does it so often…

Jason F***ing Todd: So I would like red balloons and a half chocolate half vanilla cake that is shaped like my helmet with red frosting.

Damian: Ego much?

Jason F***ing Todd: like you can talk. Your cake was a giant blown up version of your logo that read HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE BEST ROBIN, DAMIAN!!!

Damian: Whatever...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also I think I'm going to start another group chat type story. Comment which characters you would like to see. Titans? Justice League? Flash Family? Arrow Family? Let me know.


	25. Logan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In honor of Logan coming out today, here is a little commentary on it, don't worry no spoilers! Though if you haven't seen it, you should. Unless you get nautilus at the sight of blood... Anyway, enjoy!

Jason F***ing Todd: just watched Logan

Boy Wonder: what'd u think?

Jason F***ing Todd: it was F***ING AMAZING!!

Boy Wonder: I know right

Jason F***ing Todd: Yea great movie

Boy Wonder: exactly

Jason F***ing Todd: yeah I loved the realistic depiction of the maiming and killing!

Boy Wonder: ok…

Jason F***ing Todd: And all the blood

Boy Wonder: Jason?

Jason F***ing Todd: and the amount of times he said f***!

Boy Wonder: and how about the story?

Jason F***ing Todd: Oh yeah, the narrative was beautiful the arch that his character went on over these films. That's gonna be me one day

Boy Wonder: He was miserable

Jason F***ing Todd: He smiled when they ate with the black family

Jason F***ing Todd: and come to think of it, how come the only black family in the movie died?

Jason F***ing Todd: Actually never mind, they had the short chubby kid that shot electricity.

Boy Wonder: are these the things u think about?

Damian: you’re joking right?

Boy Wonder: what it's fair question.

Damian: I didn't realize you were this stupid. 

Boy Wonder: what's so stupid about the question?

Damian: You are assuming Todd thinks at all!

Jason F***ing Todd: hey!

Damian: Well you don't!

Jason F***ing Todd: Do To!

Damian: Do Not!

Boy Wonder: what are you guys, five?

Jason F***ing Todd: Nope my birthday was last week, I turned 6

Damian: That explains a lot...


	26. Injustice 2

Boy Wonder: GUYS, INJUSTICE 2 CAME OUT!

Jason F***ing Todd: yea I know, already got halfway through.

Boy Wonder: I'm surprised u care Jay, u usually only like shooters.

Jason F***ing Todd: I know, but I'm gonna b DLC!

Damian: -Tt- I actually made it into the roster.

Jason F***ing Todd: Me being DLC just means people are actually willing to spend their money on me

Barbara: Stop texting, I'm trying to play!

Jason F***ing Todd: ur playing too?

Barbara: Yeah, I'm hoping they add me in as DLC.

Jason F***ing Todd: U were in the last one as DLC!

Barbara: That was barely me, it was like they combined me and Steph

Stephanie: What's wrong with me?

Barbara: Nothing, but it was supposed to be MY Batgirl!

Boy Wonder: I can’t believe that I’m not in this one though!

Tim: Just be glad you actually made it. Cass, Steph, and I haven’t actually been in either.

Boy Wonder: Yeah I know…

Jason F***ing Todd: I really dont care that ur not in it, cause I am!

Boy Wonder: A lot of people want me to come back as DLC

Jason F***ing Todd: Y?

Boy Wonder: Because I’m awesome

Jason F***ing Todd: Im more requested

Boy Wonder: Im better!

Jason F***ing Todd: NO, I’M BETTER!

Tim: I still don’t understand why I’m not in the game....

Stephanie: And what about me? I’m super cool!

Tim: I mean I’d have my bo staff and batarangs. And maybe even the Redbird could make an appearance!

Jason F***ing Todd: Replacement, NO ONE WANTS YOU IN THE F***ING GAME!

Tim: You didn’t have to be so mean...


	27. Guess What Bruce Did in This Movie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is tied to DCU Groupchats Chapter 6, so if you want to better understand this then read that first. Though hopefully it is still funny even without having to read that. Hope you guys enjoy!

Jason F***ing Todd: So I just had an interesting conversation with some dude called Deadpool

Bruce: I hate him…

Jason F***ing Todd: To be fair though, u hate a lot of people…

Bruce: I hate him more than I hate Bane, and Bane broke my back.

Jason F***ing Todd: Ok, anyway, he is from a universe where we are comic book characters. 

Jason F***ing Todd: And they have animated movies based on comics. 

Jason F***ing Todd: And they had an animated movie based on Bab’s paralyzation

Boy Wonder: Okay?

Jason F***ing Todd: And right before she gets shot she does something on a roof...

Boy Wonder: what?

Jason F***ing Todd: She f***s Bruce

Boy Wonder: WHAT!?!?

Jason F***ing Todd: Yep, Batsex!

Bruce: Barbara is like a daughter to me!

Jason F***ing Todd: And then he told me about a comic by the same guy where Bruce…

Boy Wonder: Bruce what?

Bruce: I what?

Jason F***ing Todd: Bruce got Barbara pregnant

Bruce: WHAT!?!?

Jason F***ing Todd: Yep and then Dick finds out and beats up Bruce!

Barbara: I am going to have nightmares now….

Boy Wonder: Agreed.

Jason F***ing Todd: Nightmares aren’t a problem for Bruce though since he doesn’t sleep…

Boy Wonder: Y did u have to tell us this?

Jason F***ing Todd: Thought u might want to know.

Boy Wonder: Thanks…

Jason F***ing Todd: So the next time u f*** Babs think of Bruce f***ing Babs on a roof!

Boy Wonder: I HATE YOU!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed it! Until next time...  
> -Batfamily2001


	28. Hamilton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based of the title song of the play Hamilton, some of the lyrics that I changed work with the music. Some you can kinda make work. Others (MOST) not so much. But I hope you guys enjoy it anyway!

Damian: Just watched Man of Steel and Batman V Superman.  
   
Bruce: What’d you think?  
   
Damian: How does a Boyscout, Orphan, son of an alien  
And a Kryptonian, dropped in the middle of a forgotten town in Kansas, by his mom and pops, abandoned, and in squalor  
grow up to be a hero and a scholar  
   
Boy Wonder: The Justice League founding father without a father  
Got a lot farther by working a lot harder  
By being a lot stronger  
By being a self starter  
By fourteen, they placed in charge of the  
Other farmers  
   
Jason F***ing Todd: And everyday while Wayne was working harder and training  
Away across the waves, he struggled and kept his guard up  
Inside, he was longing for something to be a part of  
The hero was ready to write, fly, or punch something really harda  
   
Tim: Then an alien ship came and devastation reigned  
Our man saw his future drip, dripping down the drain  
Put a thing into his ship it connected to his brain  
And he saw his dead father, who gave him a play by play  
   
Damian: Well the word got around they said this guy is insane, man  
Took up a collection just to fix the destruction done to this land  
Get a job, be a hero, but don’t forget from whence you came, and  
The world is gonna know your name  
What’s your name, man?  
   
Clark: Clark Kent/Superman (AUTHORS NOTE: Read Clark Kent slash Superman)  
I am Clark Kent/Superman  
And there’s a million things I haven’t done  
But just you wait, just you wait  
   
Lois: When he was ten his father died, he cried, he coulda saved him  
Twenty years later, see Clark and his mother, they’re talking  
She said, “You don’t owe this world a thing…”  
   
Damian: Well Martha got saved, but Clark died quick  
   
Barbara: Moved in with Lois, soon people started saying he was unjust  
Left with feelings of mistrust, for the system which he had much faith  
He heard a voice saying  
Clark, you gotta save men  
He started fighting and writing, for the little man  
   
Damian: There woulda been nothing left to do  
For someone less astute  
He woulda been dead or destitute  
Without any restitution  
Started workin’, writing for the Daily Planet  
While secretly fighting crime wearing his baby blanket  
Fighting for all the truth he could get his hands on  
Enforcing justice, see him now as he flies in the  
Sky headed for a new land  
In Gotham there is a Batman  
   
Steph: In Gotham there is a Batman  
In Gotham there is  
   
Tim: A Batman  
   
Steph: In Gotham there is a Batman  
Gotham  
   
Tim: Gotham  
   
Clark: THE BATMAN  
   
Boy Wonder: Clark Kent slash Superman  
   
Jason F***ing Todd: Clark Kent slash Superman  
   
Boy Wonder: Lex is waiting on his skyscraper for you!  
   
Steph: You never back down,  
You never learned to take your time  
OH, Clark Kent/Superman  
America mourns for you

TIm: WIll they know what you overcame?

Steph: Will they know you saved the day?  
   
Boy Wonder: The world will never be the same, oh  
   
Damian: He’s flying over the harbor now,  
See if you can spot him  
A (technically) illegal immigrant  
Comin’ up from the bottom  
His enemy destroyed his rep  
America charged him  
   
Arthur: We

Diana: Fought with him  
   
Jimmy: Me?  
I died for him  
   
Boy Wonder: Me?  
I trusted him  
   
Lois: Me?  
I loved him  
   
Bruce: And me?  
I’m the damn fool that fought him!  
   
Boy Wonder: There’s a million things I haven’t done,  
But just you wait  
   
Damian: What’s your name man?  
   
Clark: Clark Kent/Superman  
   
Boy Wonder: I also introduced him to Hamilton


	29. Fanfiction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suggestion by SophieFilo16 from awhile ago. I've been waiting for a time where I had certain character to utilize for it, so here it is.

Jason F***ing Todd: Dude I just read a story based on Logan except its Bruce  
   
Boy Wonder: You mean a comic?  
   
Jason F***ing Todd: Not exactly  
   
Steph: Like fan fiction?  
   
Jason F***ing Todd: Basically, yeah.  
   
Boy Wonder: You read fan fiction?  
   
Jason F***ing Todd: Don’t judge me  
   
Boy Wonder: I’m not judging.  
   
Jason F***ing Todd: Dude, I like to read and people write stories about me. I LOVE MYSELF! why wouldn’t I read it?  
   
Boy Wonder: That brings narcissism to a whole new level.  
   
Jason F***ing Todd: JUST LET ME F***ING TALK  
   
Boy Wonder: Okay… sheesh  
   
Jason F***ing Todd: Anyway, Bruce is like a pissed of drunk because of an alien invasion. It's interesting.  
   
Boy Wonder: Okay  
   
Jason F***ing Todd: And Lex is president  
   
Boy Wonder: Okay the writer sounds insane  
   
Deadpool: He is  
   
Boy Wonder: WTF  
   
Steph: Am i in it?  
   
Jason F***ing Todd: Not yet who knows tho  
   
Tim: How about me?  
   
Boy Wonder: Really Tim, your giving into Jason’s craziness?  
   
Tim: What? I’m curious.  
   
Jason F***ing Todd: Not where i’m at.  
   
Steph: C’mon Dick, you know you want to.  
   
Tim: Ask him Dick.  
   
Deadpool: He just is pretending he doesn’t care when in reality he’s looking for the story on his computer right now.  
   
Boy Wonder: NO!  
   
Boy Wonder: Ok, maybe...  
   
Boy Wonder: Am i in it.  
   
Deadpool: Not yet…  
   
Boy Wonder: HOW THE HELL DOES HE GET IN THIS CHAT!  
   
Deadpool: Doesn’t matter, I’m used to explain important things that you would otherwise not know.  
   
Deadpool: WAIT! Does that make me a plot device? I feel used… FUCK YOU WRITER!  
   
Jason F***ing Todd: The f*** you talking about?  
   
Deadpool: Ur talking about a fanfiction within a fanfiction and the fanfiction you're talking about is by the same person writing this very fanfiction.  
   
Deadpool: Fuck that hurt my head.  
   
Damian: I understand why father despises you.  
   
Deadpool: And I understand that you are stubborn fucking prick who has mommy and daddy issues because he’s too FUCKING WEAK TO GET ANYTHING DONE! And on top of that you suck at being an ASSassin but you’re still a grade A ASShole!  
   
Jason F***ing Todd: Wow…  
   
Agent A: Mister Wilson, please apologize for the excessive language and your verbal abuse of Master Damian.  
   
Deadpool: ….  
   
Deadpool: Sorry Damian.  
   
Jason F***ing Todd: what the actual f***?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And yes, I did shamelessly plug my own writing. Though it was also made into a joke, so not entirely selfish. However, if you are interested in reading it, it is called WAYNE. I hoped you guys enjoyed the crazy Deadpool cameo as well. Anyway, until later.


	30. Damn, Chapter 30

Deadpool: Holy shit…  
   
Deadpool: Thirty chapters of this shit and you’re still reading.  
   
Deadpool: Give this person a fucking medal.  
   
Jason F***ing Todd: Who the f*** are you talking to?  
   
Deadpool: Y of course the reader.  
   
Jason F***ing Todd: Like that makes so much F***ING SENSE!  
   
Deadpool: That censoring is starting to piss me the FUCK OFF!  
   
Deadpool: Writer, fix that shit.  
   
Jason Fucking Todd: What the fuck did you do?  
   
Deadpool: I told the writer I’d cut off their tongue if they didn’t fix it.  
   
Deadpool: Fuck, would you look at the time. I have to go. Nice talking to you Batman’s emo son!  
   
Jason Fucking Todd: The fuck is wrong with that guy?  
   
Agent A: Master Jason, please do not curse in this groupchat. There are children in the chat.  
   
Agent A: Also please change your name. It is not appropriate.  
   
Jason Fucking Todd: If by children ur referring to Damian, u need to remember what comes out of that kids mouth.  
   
Agent A: Please.  
   
Jason Fucking Todd: ….  
   
Jason Fucking Todd: Fine…  
   
Jason Fucking Todd changed his name to The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived  
   
Deadpool: How about something that isn’t that long.  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Y?

Deadpool: Because thats a lot for the writer to type  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: FOR THE LAST TIME THIS ISNT A STORY!!!!!  
   
Deadpool: Yes. It. Is.  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: No its not!  
   
Deadpool: Screw it he’ll just use copy and paste for ur name.  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Whatever.  
   
Deadpool: Goodbye emo kid.  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: I AM NOT EMO!  
   
Tim: You kinda are.  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: What r u going on about replacement?  
   
Tim: I mean you have black hair, you wear a ton of leather, you always have tight jeans, and you’re always angsty. Plus, YOU NEVER SMILE!  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Ok, maybe most of that is tru, but i do smile.  
   
Damian: Yes, Todd does. When he is being a dick.  
   
Agent A: Master Damian, where did you hear that word?  
   
Damian: Todd.  
   
Agent A: Master Jason, this is why we don’t curse.  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: That’s bullshit! He was using that word before i even met him.  
   
Agent A: MASTER JASON!  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: ITS TRUE THO!  
   
Agent A: Go to your room, this instance.  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: BUT…  
   
Agent A: No buts.  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Fine.  
   
Damian: You showed him, Pennyworth.  
   
Agent A: Master Damian, head to the bathroom and go wash your mouth with soap.  
   
Damian: Very well, Pennyworth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for all the support. I never would have thought I would have done thirty chapters, and definitely not this quickly. You're guys support really helps. The comments motivate me to this. When I see suggestions or people asking when the next chapter will be uploaded, it really motivated me. Here's to this thirty and however many more I do. As long as you guys will read them, I'll write them. Thanks.


	31. WHERE IS JASON?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this was suggested by RPGLady76. 54 days ago! Holy crap, I can't believe I've been going that long. Anyway, here's this suggestion finally!

Bruce: Where is Jason?  
   
Boy Wonder: He’s off with Kory and Roy.  
   
Bruce: Does anybody know where exactly?  
   
Tim: No, but I bet I can find him.  
   
Damian: Not before I do.  
   
Tim: No, I will find him first.  
   
Barbara: I can find him the fastest, no offense.  
   
Bruce: Can you stop arguing and just do it.  
   
Tim: On it.  
   
Damian: Not before I do.  
   
Tim: You’re wasting your time texting and looking.  
   
Damian: So are you!  
   
Tim: I’m multitasking.  
   
Damian: I can do that too.  
   
Barbara: Found him!  
   
Tim: …  
   
Tim: So did I.  
   
Damian: Dammit!  
   
Bruce: Where is he?  
   
Barbara: Key  
   
Tim: Largo.  
   
Damian: How’d you find him so quick?  
   
Barbara: I hacked a satellite.  
   
Tim: I hacked into her computer.  
   
Barbara: WHAT?  
   
Tim: Yeah, it’s all good, I just have a couple of backdoors.  
   
Barbara: No, it’s not all good. My computer should’ve known it was hacked into. Unless…  
   
Barbara: Did you break into my apartment and manually make the backdoors for yourself?  
   
Tim: I didn’t break in….  
   
Tim: Steph let me in.  
   
Barbara: SHE WHAT?  
   
Steph: U said u wanted to hangout! When did you do that?  
   
Tim: When you were taking a shower.  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Y’d she need that shower?  
   
Bruce: Now you respond? Really Jason?  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Before I wasn’t interested, now I am.  
   
Tim: We were training.  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Is that codeword for sex?  
   
Tim: We already went over this, Steph and I aren’t having sex! Bruce even determined the same thing. Sadly it was after he finished giving the talk, but he came to the right conclusion.  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Tell that to Deadpool.  
   
Tim: What’s he have to do with this?  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: He can see the future…  
   
Tim: ?  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: And he told me u got Steph pregnant. U should probably go check.  
   
Tim: WAIT WHAT! HOW? WE WERE CAREFUL.  
   
Tim: Wait…  
   
Tim: FUCK YOU JASON!  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: HAHAHAHA!  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Now u cant deny it.  
   
Tim: I hate you…  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: I know.  
   
Agent A: Master Tim, please come downstairs.  
   
Tim: Alfred, Bruce already gave me the talk and so did my dad. So did Dick. And don’t even get me started on Jason’s talk that he gave me. I still have nightmares.  
   
Agent A: I just want to know what you want for lunch.  
   
Tim: Really?  
   
Agent A: Of course not, I just didn’t want to embarrass you. Please come downstairs.


	32. Speed?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, two chapters in an hour? Yep. I feel the need to make up for the lack of these. Hope you enjoy. And P.S. some sexual implications, so if you get offended by that, you might not like this chapter. Though as always it's done in a joking matter, not seriously, so you might like it anyway.

Boy Wonder: So Jay how was Key Largo?  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Not as good as the talk that replacement got.  
   
Tim: Thanks for that Jason.  
 

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: No problem. So whatd u talk about?  
   
Tim: I don’t want to talk about it.  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: U talk about British positions?  
   
Tim: No.  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Toys?  
   
Tim: No.  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Bondage?  
   
Tim: No. Just stop.  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Am i getting close?  
   
Tim: Please stop.  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: I think Im getting close  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: OH SHIT…  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Did you talk about roleplaying?  
   
Tim: No.  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Wait. Serious question.  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Do u guys fuck in costume?  
   
Tim: Not your business.  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: U do, don’t u?  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Do u use code names too?  
   
Tim: I dont want to talk about this.  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Does she scream, “FUCK ME HARDER RED ROBIN!”  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: How do u not get hungry for burgers.  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Did u intentionally name urself after a restaurant chain?  
   
Tim: Are you on speed?  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: No, y would u think that?  
   
Tim: Because your typing faster than Wally normally does.  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: I’m not on speed.  
   
Roy: No, he’s on something much worse.   
   
Tim: Not again.  
   
Roy: Yep, he’s on energy drinks.  
   
Tim: Crap.  
   
Boy Wonder: Y do u do this to us Roy?  
   
Roy: BECAUSE IT’S FREAKING HYSTERICAL!  
   
Tim: I will kill you Roy.  
   
Roy: I’m so scared.  
   
Tim: I will get Cassandra to go after you.  
   
Roy: SHIT!  
   
Roy: It’ll never happen again. I SWEAR!  
   
Roy has left the conversation.  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: HA, hes afraid of Cass  
   
Boy Wonder: So are you.  
   
The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Good point.


	33. Can Anyone Pick up Damian?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long break.... Also this chapter was inspired by a comment by apensivelady, so thanks for the suggestion.

Damian: Someone pick me up!

Bruce: What happened?

Bruce: Damian?

Bruce: Dick, can you pick up Damian? Alfred and I are in Hong Kong with Cass.

Boy Wonder: Wish I could, but I’m in Bludhaven at the station.

Bruce: Tim?

Tim: Sorry, I’m in class, and trying to take a test so SHHHHHH!

Bruce: Barbara?

Barbara: I’m in the middle of something in Star City.

Bruce: Steph?

Stephanie: I’m in class too!

Bruce: …

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: U forgetting someone?

Bruce: ...

Bruce: Jason, can you get him?

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: As a matter of fact, I can.

Bruce: Please try not to argue with the principal…

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: I never said I was going to.

Bruce: But…

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: I said I could, not that I would.

Bruce: Okay.

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: However, I really wanna see the old place, so…

Bruce: Don’t kill anyone on the way there.

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Who would I kill?

Bruce: You can’t be serious.

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: No, seriously.

Bruce: No killing anyone who; ‘pisses you off’, cuts you off, has a ‘suspicious’ umbrella, is smiling so you suspect they are apart of Joker’s gang.

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Ok, u have a point.

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: But what if I’m sure if they are apart of Joker’s gang?

Bruce: No.

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Who died and made u king.

Tim: Oh shit.

Bruce: JUST. PICK. UP. DAMIAN.

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: I’m sorry!

Bruce: Just go get Damian, and then we’ll talk when I get back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed. There should be a sister story up later sometime tonight!


	34. Young Justice Season 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the wait, it took me forever to think of a topic. But then DC helped out and had a Young Justice panel today at SDCC! So hope you guys enjoy!

Deadpool: YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: How the fuck did you get back

Deadpool: What have I explained in the past? Plot point! I’m used to introduce things in the real world that you otherwise wouldn’t know about!

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: ….

Deadpool: Anyway, YOUNG JUSTICE SEASON 3!

Boy Wonder: Tim, wasn’t your team called Young Justice?

Tim: Yeah.

Deadpool: Well in real life, it’s an awesome cartoon! And it was cancelled, but it’s BACK!

Tim: Great?

Deadpool: Yep! And now Dick has no logo on his costume and Aqualad has a beard, and Tim has a hood because why the fuck not! And Stephanie is on the team now! So is Arrowette! So they are referencing the team from the comics!

Tim: You mean real life?

Deadpool: No. U EXIST IN A COMIC!

Tim: No!

Deadpool: YES!

Tim: NO!

Deadpool: Don’t make me turn you into a fucking kabob!

Tim: Like you could!

Deadpool: I sooooo cou…. Anyway, the show comes out in 2018 and I CAN’T WAIT! 

Stephanie: Omg… This sounds awesome!

Deadpool: I know right!

Stephanie: So what identity do I have in it?

Deadpool: You’re Spoiler in it.

Stephanie: Okay… Do I become Batgirl?

Deadpool: I DON’T FUCKING KNOW! I’M NOT A SHOWRUNNER!

Deadpool: Interestingly they didn’t show Barbara though, and there is another time gap so maybe she’s Oracle now….

Barbara: I was still Batgirl on the show?

Deadpool: Yeah.

Cass: What about me?

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Are you kidding, even Cass cares?

Deadpool: Sadly you haven’t been it, but Jason has.

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Really?

Deadpool: YEP! You’re dead. And a holographic memorial is all that remains.

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: FUCK YOU!

Deadpool: Not while people are watching!

Deadpool has been kicked for sexual harassment


	35. Movie Night!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the long hiatus, couldn't think of ideas for this, so if you have any let me know in the comments. Hope you guys enjoy.

Boy Wonder: Family movie night tonight! We are watching MOANA

Tim: Dick, it’s a good movie. I enjoyed it. But you made me see it when bought the theatre out for a day and made me watch it continuously, and then you took me back a week later to watch it again. And then, you made me watch it when it came on Netflix

Boy Wonder: YOU’RE WELCOME!

Tim: I hate you so much for that pun.

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Don’t I get a say?

Boy Wonder: No.

Steph: I can’t wait!

Boy Wonder: At least someone is excited!

Damian: Grayson, I don’t believe that I will be able to make it to the movie tonight. I’m feeling a little *cough* sick.

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Yeah, same. Think i caught it from demon spawn *cough cough cough*

Boy Wonder: You do understand that you are texting me, right?

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Yeah so?

Boy Wonder: You can’t cough over texts.

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: FUCK YOU!

Agent A: Master Jason, your language.

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Sorry.

Agent A: Anyway, I will start preparing snacks for your movie night.

Boy Wonder: Thank you Alfred.

*movie starts*

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: This chicken is a genius.

Damian: Todd, he is obviously mentally handicapped, like you.

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Piss off Demon Spawn.

Agent A: Cookies are done.

*some time later*

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: I get that joke now Dick. The one u said

*Later*

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Why is the giant shiny thing singing, and why am oddly satisfied by this?

Cass: Shhhh.

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Sorry.

*Even Later*

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: This chicken is the greatest thing ever.

Damian: You should marry it.

Boy Wonder: Don’t think that’s legal in the US.

Damian: It is elsewhere though. 

Boy Wonder: I think the ceremony should be in Nanda Parbat.

Tim: Ra’s could marry you guys.

Steph: Can I be the bridesmaid?

Boy Wonder: I’m obviously the best man, right Jason?

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: You’re all going to die in your sleep slowly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed. As always, if you have any thoughts or suggestions let me know, below in the comments! Until next chapter.


	36. Todd, Jason Todd

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Who do u think is the most like James Bond?

Tim: Why?

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Just wondering.

Damian: Who is James Bond?

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: The name’s Todd, Jason Todd.

Boy Wonder: I’m obviously the most like James Bond, I mean, I was a spy.

Boy Wonder: Plus I’m slick, good looking, and the ladies love me.

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: No way, I’m more like James Bond!

Damian: WHO IS JAMES BOND?!

Boy Wonder: In what way are you like James Bond?

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: I’m ruggedly handsome, use guns, and take tons of girls to bed. 

Damian: I looked it up, and neither of you are James Bond. I obviously hold that mantle as I’m the strongest and best looking of all of you.

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Keep dreaming. What are you like 5 ft tall?

Damian: 5’ 1”.

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: I rest my case.

Boy Wonder: Jay, give up, I’m clearly more like James Bond.

Steph: What about Bruce?

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Nah, Bond enjoys his job, particularly the girls, while Bruce sees it as work…

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Do you think Bruce is gay?

Boy Wonder: R u serious?

Damian: Father is not gay.

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: R u supposed to be proof? Talia drugged him.

Damian: She persuaded him.

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Using drugs.

Damian: Shut up.

Steph: I still think Bruce should be in the running. He is stealthy, charming, and has a thing for sleeping with villains.

Tim: True… Catwoman, Talia, etc.

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Yeah and he probably slept with Harvey and Victor too!

Damian: HE IS NOT GAY!!!!!

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Is

Damian: IS NOT!

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: He’s gay

Damian: Say that to my face!

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Having to text u is bad enough, seeing you would be even worse

Tim: I think Alfred is the most like James Bond.

Damian: I WILL KILL YOU TODD!

Boy Wonder: I agree with Tim.

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: If you could, you would’ve already.

Tim: He served in MI6 as a spy, is a charming English gentleman.

Boy Wonder: It’s confirmed that James Bond is based on Alfred.

Damian: I can and I will.

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: I’d like to see you try.

Damian: You will once you wake up in a shipping container at the bottom of the ocean with only 2 hours of oxygen left.

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: I’m gonna kill you first you know how?

Boy Wonder: BECAUSE I’M BATMAN!

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived has left the chat


	37. I'M Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Wait," I hear you saying, "this person isn't dead?" No I am not. I've been busy and just not really had any ideas, though this is my introduction back into this. And yes, this is a short chapter, but it really is just to start up again. Anyway, hope you guys enjoy.

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: If I was a food, id be chicken wings.

Damian: Because you're a chicken?

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: no because I'm hot

Damian: You should be expired piece of ham.

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: …

Damian: Because your repulsive.

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: Fuck you.

Agent A: Watch the language, please.

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: if I had a superpower I would have magnetism...

Damian; ?

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived: because I'm so charming and have a magnetic personality.

Damian: And you'd be called the magnetic chicken wing

The Greatest Human Being That Ever Lived has changed their name to The Magnetic Chicken Wing

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: replacement did you change my name?

Tim: Wasn't me.

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: I don't really care anyway, I actually kinda like it.

Tim: There's something seriously wrong with this family.

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: why do you say that?

Tim: No reason.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoy. If you guys don't want me to stop writing for prolonged periods again, please leave ideas in the comments so I don't run out. Anyways, ciao.


	38. Wonder Woman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What? Two chapters in one night? What can I say? I'm trying to make up for lost time. Also, time for credit where it's due. ApensiveLady suggested talking about Wonder Woman. I mean sure it was suggested almost three months ago, but still.

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: Have you guys watched Wonder Woman?

Damian: What is everyone getting there movie?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: …

Damian: Next thing you know, Aquaman will get his own movie.

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: Starring Vinnie Chase.

Damian: What?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: Nevermind. But yes, Aquaman is getting his own movie.

Damian: Seriously?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: shut up.

Damian: …

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: so I just watched Wonder Woman, and it was so fucking good.

Boy Wonder: I told u

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: you did…

Steph: Is that y u were crying when I passed ur room?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: I wasn't crying….

Steph: oh I'm sorry, BALLING YOUR EYES OUT! :)

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: you can't prove it.

Steph: I took a video of u.

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: you're bluffing…

Steph: check twitter’s trending page.

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: …

Steph: it's titled, “The Red Hood Loses it During Movie!”

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: ….

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: take it down.

Steph: Nah.

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: I wasn't asking

Steph: answers still no.

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: I'll post the video I have of you practicing bat puns in front of the mirror on twitter.

Steph: you wouldn't…

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: I would.

Steph: fine.

Steph: it's down.

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: pleasure doing business.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed! See you all again soon.  
> Ps anyone who got the Entourage reference is awesome


	39. Batman V ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so as promised a new chapter. This one was suggested by Narya Anima. Hope you guys enjoy.

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: okay, so you're fighting Bruce.

Boy Wonder: excuse me?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: you have 24 hours prep time, and help from one person. Who do you choose?

Boy Wonder: where do you come up with this?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: I pull it out of my ass. Now answer the question.

Boy Wonder: I guess Clark? Or maybe Wally.

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: wrong answer.

Boy Wonder: but it isn't an opinion question?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: yeah, but ur opinion is wrong.

Boy Wonder: so there's a right answer?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: yep. Replacement, u got a guess?

Tim: I would've said Wally, his connection with the speed force would make him almost impossible for Bruce to see him coming.

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: except its Bruce…

Damian: My Grandfather. He is the head of the League of Assassins, allowing him to match Father, both physically and mentally…

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: do you ever shut up about that ass?

Damian: Show some respect toward my Grandfather.

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: I'm sorry, The ROYAL Ass?

Damian: …

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: better?

Damian: Todd, as you sleep, be cautious. For when you are not prepared, I will walk out of the shadows, blade in my hand, and slowly slice open your throat.

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: and the award for best personality goes to….

Damian: Piss off.

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: he got me distracted. So, who would I get?

Barbara: Only one person?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: Yes.

Barbara: Well, I could choose Black Canary, who's combat skills are almost as good as Bruce’s. Plus her meta ability would be advantageous.

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: wrong answer.

Steph: Cass.

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: That's a decent answer, but still wrong.

Boy Wonder: A clone of Bruce?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: Way to think outside of the box… but no.

Tim: Vandal Savage? Like Ra’s he has thousands of years of combat training and he's immortal.

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: true, but the fact that he's immortal means Bruce won't feel bad about using more brutal fighting tactics that he wouldn't normally use. So no.

Tim: How about Catwoman?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: Having sex with Bruce isn't the objective. So that means that Talia is out too.

Damian: How dare you!

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: can it short stack!

Barbara: Kate?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: good attempt, but no.

Boy Wonder: Barry?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: It's over, surrender!

Boy Wonder: fine.

Tim: Go ahead.

Barbara: Ok.

Damian: NEVER!

Tim: But he has the high ground.

Damian: I hate you!

Tim: You skipped a line.

Steph: it's obviously Alfred.

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: At least someone in this family isn't completely stupid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed the chapter. And don't forget to leave suggestions for future chapters so I don't go on month long hiatuses again. Please? Thanks and have great day! Ciao!


	40. Star Wars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this kinda, but not really talks about some minor spoilers of the new Star Wars movie, I guess. So if you haven't seen it and so far you've avoided all news about it, then don't read. Anyway, hope you enjoy.

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: I just watched Star Wars

Tim: The original?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: the new one

Boy Wonder: what'd you think?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: it was ok

Boy Wonder: Ok? So ur like Barbara?

Boy Wonder has changed their name to Master Dick

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: u do see what ur name is right

Master Dick: Yeah

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: whatever

Master Dick: I will not b judged by u. How did u only think it was ok?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: I mean, it was cool and all but like…

Master Dick: but what?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: I didn't dig that casino part. It felt like it went on forever.

Master Dick: whatever. Barbara was acting the same way,

Barbara: I like the movie, Dick.

Tim: Go back and see it a second time. When it gets close to the casino scene, go to the bathroom and come back. The movie is instantly 10 times better.

Master Dick: TIMMY!?!? You're with him?

Tim: The movie is good and it's great when that scene isn't in it.

Master Dick: my only complain is that Luke was a bit of jerk

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: some might even say a dick

Master Dick: like he did not seem like the Luke I love. Tho he grew on me.

Tim: I thought the way they developed his character was interesting, however it drew slight comparison to another movie….

Master Dick: what are you talking about?

Tim: Tell me if this sounds familiar. An old disgruntled warrior, who is a bit of a recluse, reluctantly trains a young girl to defeat a dark version of himself. Along the way, he develops a bond with the girl and begins to care for her like his daughter. He also has an old teacher/mentor who helps guide him along the way. 

Master Dick: yeah u described Star Wars.

Tim: No, I described Logan.

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: Holy shit.

Master Dick: You guys are just bitter…

Tim: Dick think about it...

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: it really is…,

Master Dick: It can't be, THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!

Tim: Dick, breathe.

Master Dick: maybe if u squint

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: Very similar. Except Logan didn't have the casino scene making it better.

Master Dick: Yeah, well Dami liked the movie. Didn't you?

Damian: I thought the movie was very enjoyable, however I am confused over a slight detail.

Master Dick: Ok?

Damian: How come Kyle Ren’s pants were so high?

Master Dick: … I don't know…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed the chapter. And if you have any ideas for future chapters, suggestions are much appreciated. Thanks, ciao!


	41. Coffee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay got busy with school. This was suggested by Sehin, hope you guys enjoy.

Tim: Guys I cracked the case!

  
Master Dick: ?

  
Tim: The serial killer.

  
Master Dick: No offenseee but thsi is 1 of 2 hours I get to sleeeppppppp

  
Tim: Sorry, but this is important. Just have a cup of coffee or something.

  
Bruce: At this point I fully regret introducing him to coffee….

  
The Magnetic Chicken Wing: Whaaaat r u guys talking about?

  
Bruce: It was back when he was Robin, right before he became Red Robin. We were on a stakeout and he was becoming tired, so I gave him some of mine. He hasn't stopped drinking it since then.

  
The Magnetic Chicken Wing: nice try but this is one problem ur not actually to blame for.

  
Bruce: One problem?

  
The Magnetic Chicken Wing: u c when I first attacked Tim I hit him with a caffeine dart and now he needs caffeine to survive.

  
Damian: That is the most ridiculous tale I have ever heard, Todd.

  
The Magnetic Chicken Wing: it's the truth

  
Damian: No I got him addicted to it.

  
The Magnetic Chicken Wing: Stop trying to be feel included.

  
Damian: But it is the truth. When I had first come to the cave, I tried to make Drake miserable. And so, I spilled out his soda and poured old coffee in the bottle.

  
The Magnetic Chicken Wing: Ok that story is total bullshit.

  
Stephanie: It was me who got him addicted….

  
The Magnetic Chicken Wing: great…. another story

  
Stephanie: it was back when I was Spoiler and he was Robin. Right after I came back…

  
Tim: I thought you were dead.

  
Stephanie: I am sorry about that…. But I made it up to you! Anyways, one of our first dates when I got back was beating up a bunch of criminals and then us going to a cafe to get drinks, where I forced him to get a coffee, which he said he'd never had before.

  
Tim: You forget my words. I had coffee back when my father was still alive, and I was not a huge fan. That changed when I came to the manner and tried Alfred’s coffee….. I said to Steph that I had never had coffee other than Alfred’s before, which I was already addicted to. And after that night I started drinking more coffee out. Now I'll just drink whatever I can get my hands on.

  
Alfred: I am sorry for causing your addiction, Master Tim.

  
Tim: Don't worry about it Alfred, I do my best work while drinking your coffee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed the chapter. as always if you have any suggestions leave them in the comments. Ciao!


	42. I'm Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is extremely brief, just wanted everyone to know that I'm back and this time I mean it. More details at the end.

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: Bruce

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: Bruce

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: BRUCE!

Bruce: What?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: I don’t feel so good, Mr. Wayne…

Bruce: ….

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: I don’t wanna go….

Bruce: …

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: Maybe if I had willed myself long enough to say that to you after Joker blew me up, u wouldve cared more!

Bruce has left the chat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so to avoid what happened last time, I have written several in advance before posting this one and will post ever other day hopefully. I still welcome suggestions because I love implementing your guys ideas! On a sadder note, I think that I will be finishing this off at Chapter 50, for now at least. I may come back to it, but once we get to Chapter 50 it will be marked as complete. So like I said, send me ideas for the remaining chapters. I have a few written already but if you guys give me enough ideas, I can always leave the ones I already have to be published as extras!


	43. Wedding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said every other day, but I also felt bad since last chapter was literally 5 lines. Anyways, hope you guys enjoy this!

Master Dick: Ok, so the big day is almost here!

Tim: Why are you texting so early?

Master Dick: It’s 2 o’clock in the afternoon…

Tim: Yeah, but it’s a Wednesday, you know that I sleep on Wednesdays and Saturdays from 1 o’clock to 3 o’clock.

Master Dick: Not my fault that your sleep schedule is atrocious!

Tim: Can you just tell me what this is about so I can get back to sleep?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: Awe, someone’s grumpy without their sleep :)

Tim: Shut up Jason!

Master Dick: Anyway Bruce’s wedding is almost here!

Stephanie: YEP!

Master Dick: Thanks for the enthusiasm! And since I’m obviously the best man…

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: LOL

Master Dick: What?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: U think ur gonna b the best man!

Master Dick: Y R U LAUGHING!?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: Because ur definitely not his best man

Master Dick: What do you mean?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: I mean, its cute that youd think you would b, but its not u….

Master Dick: Who is it then?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: Obviously me…

Master Dick: Wait, WHAT!?

Master Dick: You are out of your mind!

Master Dick: HE’S FINALLY LOST IT!

Master Dick: JAY HAS GONE BONKERS!

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: Stop being so dramatic, I’m just fucking with you!

Master Dick: Oh… So you do think it will be me :)

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: No.

Master Dick: Wait, what?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: I think it’ll be Clark

Tim: I can see that…

Master Dick: Tiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmmmmmyyyyyyyyy….

Tim: Sorry…

Master Dick: But I should be his best man!

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: But it’s Clark… 

Master Dick: Whatever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter and I know it'll probably create further confusion over my timeline and all that. Very simply said, this was inspired by the wedding happening in the comics in a week and a half, but not directly based on it. I haven't actually kept up on those details enough to have it directly relating to that. And I keep the timeline ambiguous so you guys aren't forced to make the character a role that you don't want them in. If you want you can have Cass as Batgirl, Black Bat, Orphan, etc. Hope that clears up this year long debate. Hope you guys enjoyed, ciao.


	44. Ice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, 6 more chapters left! That's insane! I hope you guys enjoy the chapter!

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: Warning…

Tim: Wait what?

Master Dick: What killed the dinosaurs?

Tim: An asteroid?

Master Dick: THE ICE AGE!

Tim: Tell me he didn’t…

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: I tried to stop him…

Tim: You obviously didn’t try hard enough.

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: How is it my fault that he jumped out the window when I went to the bathroom?

Tim: ….

Tim: We need to go over the basics again so Dick can’t get away from you when you are supposed to be babysitting him!

Damian: Aside from the obvious, why does Grayson need a babysitter?

Tim: He was hit with a ray that deaged him mentally. He retains his physical age, but has the mental capabilities of a ten year old.

Master Dick: You are not sending me to the cooler!

Tim: And now he’s reciting lines from Batman and Robin…

Damian: It could be worse….

Master Dick: FREEZE!

Master Dick has changed their name to The Ice Man Cometh

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: Can it really?

Tim: THIS IS WHAT I WAS AFRAID WOULD HAPPEN!

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: Tim, you know what we have to do…

Damian: What?

Tim: Cass, get the device ready….

Cass: Are you sure?

Damian: What device?

Tim: Steph, do you have a location on Dick?

Steph: He’s near the old Courthouse…

Tim: Keep an eye on him while Jason and I retrieve the device…

Steph: Geez, who put u in charge?

Tim: I’m sorry…

Steph: Hmph…

Tim: Please?

Steph: You better make this up to me

Tim: I promise…

Steph: You better.

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: Ew… stick to task at hand!

The Ice Man Cometh: Everyone, CHILL!!!

Tim: I don’t know if we can get there quick enough!

Damian: What does the device do?

Tim: It’ll wipe out his memory from last 24 hours, though it could wipe his mind…

Damian: Wait, WHAT?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: It’s worth it!

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: I’ve got him in my sights…

The Ice Man Cometh: What happened?

The Ice Man Cometh: who changed my name?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: Thank god….

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed the chapter! As always, comment your ideas and you may seem them pop up within the next few chapters. Also, if you guys are interested there is a quick survey you guys can take to help out a member of the community on a study they're doing. If you are interested, it is right here: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSeB2gBJK-wq5IKBAh9kgUYzjlfZOq7ht6hWVlo0LKj0RfBdcQ/viewform


	45. Gay?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so I intended to have a chapter every two days... And then I lost wifi. I'm very sorry about that. Anyway, unless something else happens that effects my internet, expect the chapters to come out every other day. Hope you guys enjoy. Also thanks to Sehin for the chapter idea.

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: Dick, are you gay?

The Ice Man Cometh has changed their name to Dick

Dick: Wait, what?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: Are you gay?

Dick: Why would you think that?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: I mean I’m pretty sure most superheroes are, but you specifically.

Dick: Why?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: Because of the fact that you wear a skin tight, form fitting, black bodysuit.

Dick: So?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: And I’m pretty sure I’ve caught you flirting with other guys before.

Dick: Like who?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: Midnighter.

Dick: No

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: Yeah.

Dick: You’re one to talk.

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: What do you mean by that?

Dick: I’m 100% sure I’ve seen you flirting with other guys before. I’m pretty sure you’ve flirted with me!

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: Have not!

Dick: U totally have!

Steph: He flirts with anyone who’s breathing, it’s not saying much…

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: I do NOT!

Tim: You definitely do.

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: No.

Damian: Yes.

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: Stay out of this, demon child! Do you even know what flirting is?

Damian: Yes, I am quite aware of the concept.

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: Oh yeah, I remember now….

Damian: What?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: You flirted that time when you told the girl she was a prostitute! 

Damian: I will kill you, Todd!

Steph: It’s sad that he doesn’t understand flirting and is still more successful than you, Jason

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: I am very successful!

Steph: Yeah, ok.

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: What?

Steph: I mean…

Barbara: If you look at it from a logistics point of view, your success rate is relatively low for the amount of people your flirt with.

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: First off, ouch...

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: Second, youre still in this chat?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: Third, how many people do you think I flirt with?

Barbara: Too many.

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: …

Steph: :)

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: So when did this chat become everyone shitting on me?

Damian: If you didn’t make it so easy…

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: Demon Spawn…

Damian: What?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: I... will... kill... you…

Alfred: Master Jason, please don’t resort to the murder of your siblings. As for you, Master Damian, stop teasing Master Jason.

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: ….

The Magnetic Chicken Wing: I’m sorry Alfred….

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! And as always if you have any ideas, comment down below and you can see them in the remaining chapters!


	46. Name Fun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I completely intended on keeping up with schedule, then I went on last minute vacation. And because of the past two times I tried putting a time frame on the writing, this time I will just say expect next chapter soon. Thanks to Destiny4evs for the idea!

I’m The Goddamn Batman has been added to the chat

I’m The Goddamn Batman: Why am I back here?

I’m the Goddamn Batman: And why is this my name?

The Magnetic Chicken Wing has changed his name to Shiny Red Dumbass

Shiny Red Dumbass: Ummmm….

Damian has changed his name to Whiniest of the Robins

Whiniest of the Robins: TODD!

 

Shiny Red Dumbass: Why would it be me?

Whiniest of the Robins: It’s you…

Shiny Red Dumbass: Good point but my name was changed too.

I’m the Goddamn Batman: I don’t care who did it, change it back!

Tim has changed his name to Glowing Red Fairy Wings

Glowing Red Fairy Wings: Ok, this is not funny.

Dick has changed his name to Disco Mullet

Disco Mullet: WHAT IS GOING ON?

Whiniest of the Robins: -tt- Two of your most questionable costumes choices.

Barbara has changed her name to Hot Wheels

Hot Wheels: I WILL KILL WHOEVER IS CHANGING THIS!

Steph has changed her name to Bad Puns

Glowing Red Fairy Wings: Steph’s is barely an insult.

Bad Puns: Idk what you’re talking about, this deeply hurts me

Shiny Red Dumbass: Someone has to know who did this…

Disco Mullet: How come Cass and Alfred didn’t get their names changed?

Shiny Red Dumbass: Cass is still in this chat?

Cass: Yes.

Shiny Red Dumbass: Did not realize that.

Cass: I put it on mute.

Shiny Red Dumbass: Why?

Cass: Neverending.

Shiny Red Dumbass: Fair enough.

Disco Mullet: Cass, do you know who did this?

Cass: No idea.

D-Pool: IT was ME!

Shiny Red Dumbass: FUCK ME!

D-Pool: Maybe later. ; )

Shiny Red Dumbass: Why didn’t you change Alfred’s name.

D-Pool: Respect him too much.

Shiny Red Dumbass: And Cass?

D-Pool: She could beat the shit out of me!

Alfred: Please change their names back.

D-Pool: DO I HAVE TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?

Alfred: Don’t make me ask again…..

D-Pool: FIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEE!

Jason: this isn’t what I had.

D-Pool: Well it’s what you’re getting, deal with it!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoyed! Hopefully the new chapter won't take too long. Talk to you guys later. Ciao.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Hard-Knocks](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11188278) by [Aya_kunZeroaddicted](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aya_kunZeroaddicted/pseuds/Aya_kunZeroaddicted)




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